Twelve Reasons Why
by surefireglambert
Summary: "Twelve stories. Twelve reasons why I committed... well you know. Twelve reasons why I'm not here right now. And if you have them, well, you're one of those reasons." After Blaine commits suicide, Kurt receives a box full of tapes. Based on "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. WIP.
1. Cassette One, Side A

**Based on the book _Thirteen Reasons Why_ by Jay Asher. "#" stands for the someone pressing the play button, "l l" stands for someone pressing the pause button and "[]" stands for someone pressing the stop button.**

**Being someone who read the book, I know how powerful its message and the story is. I'm not trying to create a story that's better than the book because that's not something that's possible to do. The plan is to simply take an amazing story and use it as inspiration to create another, different story. I'm not trying to lighten or improve the author's original idea or theme. That being said, please keep that in mind while reading.**

**If suicide is a trigger to you, absolutely no offense will be taken if you exit the story now.**

* * *

"Kurt! Package for you!" my father called up the flight of stairs. My head bolted up from my math homework as I opened the door and bounded down the stairwell to my dad, who had taken a seat in his chair with a medium-sized box by the bottom step.

"Who's it from?" I questioned, looking at my dad who was already engrossed in a sports game of some kind.

"No return address," he mumbled, eyes never leaving the screen. "Don't know."

I groaned at his inability to carry on a conversation when his flat screen was on before picking up the surprisingly light box and bringing it back to my room where my homework was waiting.

I clicked the door shut and, my curiosity getting the best of me, grabbed a pair of scissors to begin cutting the tape that held the flaps of the box shut. Tape and scissors aside, I began removing some of the bubble wrap and other packaging materials to reveal a cassette tape.

Eyebrows creased in confusion, I set the tape aside, rummaging through the material some more to reveal another tape. And another. And another. After a few moments, all the packaging material is on one side of me and seven tapes are on the other, the empty box now on the other side of the room where I'd flung it.

I immediately turned my attention to the tapes. I picked one up, examining it to try to figure out what they were for, what was on them, who they were from. Anything about them. When it became evident that there was no clue about what was on these tapes visibly available to me, I began racking my brain for where I'd be able to find a cassette player.

I dig through my closet, not finding anything of the sort and soon head for Finn's room right next door to mine. I hold my breath and open his closet, scared to find out what it may smell like and taking no chances. I rummage unsuccessfully for a few moments through footballs jerseys, gym shorts, sneakers and sheet music before finally finding a small, portable radio that had a slot for cassette tapes. I took it back to my room, shutting the door once again with a _click_.

Plugging in the machine and opening the slot, I blew away some dust before inserting the first cassette.

**#**

_Hello!_

I felt my heart stop and then start beating at record pace as the voice on the tape chuckled.

_That was inappropriate; I probably shouldn't have done that. But I'm allowed to be happy now right? I mean, there's not much time left anyway..._

My instinct was to scream at the top of my lungs, but I settled for running my hands through my hair, pulling hard on it until tears came to my eyes.

_For those of you who don't know me, I'm Blaine Anderson. Lead Warbler during my time at Dalton. Active member of the branch of the Dalton Fight Club. But don't tell anyone because I'm not supposed to talk about it. Lover of sports, especially college football. Lots of friends. I get straight A's and considered a nerd by some because of it. Lover of clothes, especially bowties. And that's pretty much it._

_Wait, you think I forgot something?_

_Don't deny it because I know you're all thinking the same thing. Oh, he's the gay one? That queer who always dressed weird? The homo who always tried to be straight by boxing in the locker room? Does he know fairies aren't allowed back there? That's how I've usually been addressed as._

_Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. But I know you were thinking that I forgot to mention my sexual orientation. Probably not those things, since those of you who have these tapes didn't say those things to me. Although, some of you probably weren't always thinking the nicest of things about me._

I wasn't thinking any of those. Or anything bad. I pulled my knees to and wrap my arms around my legs to hold them close to me as the tape continued.

_But back to the task at hand. Now I know that you're all really confused as to why this box of cassette tapes has appeared on your doorstep, your bed, the dining room table, wherever you stumbled across them._

The hands of my father who didn't know he was handing me a box of tapes with my dead boyfriend's voice on them.

_Well here it is. Twelve stories. Seven tapes, since introductions and conclusions are necessary, as any English teacher would tell you. Twelve reasons why I committed... well you know. Twelve reasons why I'm not here right now. And if you have them, well, you're one of them._

I gasped, my eyes widening and my hands instantly covering my mouth as my heart stopped for a second time. How could I be a reason?

_Now some of you may know why you're on here. I mean, some of you made your opinions of me very obvious over the years. But I'm guessing many of you have no clue why you're listening to my voice right now. You probably think I'm just a selfish, pathetic freak who needs to blame their problems on others. Or just a crazy person. Well that's pretty much why these things exist. Because people think things like that. But we have a while together still and all of this will make sense in the end._

"Kurt!" I heard my father call.

**l l**

"Yeah Dad?" I paused the tape.

"Who did that package end up being from?"

A lump formed in my throat at the thought of my dad hearing the tapes. "Umm, they're just some... music that Sebastian sent me!" I cursed my stupidity in being able to come up with no one better than Sebastian to send me fake music tapes. Truth be told, ever since Blaine... passed on, he had befriended me and was acting much nicer than ever before. It was weird, frankly.

"Doesn't he not like you guys?"

I groaned. "Yeah, he's been nicer lately; maybe he's turning over a new leaf or something."

I could practically feel his suspicion radiating from downstairs, but he didn't question any further. "Alright, well let me know if there's anything good. I'd love to hear some of the music you guys listen to nowadays."

"Can do," I answered weakly before closing the door again and pressing play.

**l l**

_If anything, I promise that. But you all have to follow a couple of rules for that to happen. One, you must listen to the tapes and pass them on. That's all. Just pass them to the person whose story is after yours and no one else. If they get passed to those not on here, it ruins the purpose._

_Now, some of you may be thinking, well how can he know who I pass it to? He's not here to stop me. Well that may be true, but there's someone who's got another set of tapes who'll make sure that doesn't happen. So don't think that breaking the chain can end this either. Because someone will know. And the consequences will make you regret it._

_So back to the rules. The second and final rule is that don't discuss these with anyone not on the list. If they're not on said list, they weren't meant to know. So keep it that way._

I was scared. I was thoroughly scared. Of what I would hear, of what others have heard, of what I could have done. I was scared.

_So that's it! If you're still with me, flip over this tape for story number one. It's a good one, I know you'll all want to hear it. Well, maybe not all of you._

**[]**

I ejected the tape as Blaine's voice stopped, setting the player aside before putting it back in to hear the next story and looking at the clock on my desk. It read 6:34, explaining why my stomach was growling, but not why I had no desire to eat anything. The only explanation for that was lying next to me and I didn't even understand that.

"Kurt? I'm grilling up some burgers for dinner, you want one?" I heard my dad call from downstairs. My stomach groaned and I got a sickening feeling once again at the thought of food, this time twice as bad.

"No thanks," I managed to shout. "I'm... not that hungry."

"Okay..." he hesitated, drawing out the last syllable. "You sure? I was planning on using that sauce you liked and everything."

A pang in my chest caused me to almost take back what I'd said and go down to shove something in my mouth just to make my dad feel better. I felt bad rejecting his attempts at making a food I didn't care for, like hamburgers, into something I'd eat by adding the sauce he knew I liked.

"I'm not that hungry. If you want to make one for me, I'll see if I want it later."

There was silence for a few moments. My heart started beating faster the longer the silence, hoping that Dad didn't see through my lie.

There was a sigh, then retreating footsteps as I let out the breath I hadn't even known I was holding. I stared at the cassette player for a moment, contemplating even continuing. Why should I? I mean, I hadn't done anything that deserved to get me on these tapes. I could just listen for my name, and then pass it on to the person who came after me. No one would ever know.

_But you would. You would have it on your conscience that you didn't listen to them. Disobey Blaine's last wish._ I sighed, running a hand through my hair before leaning back against my bed. Through half-opened eyes, I flipped over the tape to where a number one was written. Slot closed, my finger hovering over the play button until I gently applied enough pressure to press it.


	2. Cassette One, Side B

**#**

_So where were we?_

Blaine's voice came on again as my finger stayed on the play button even after I'd pressed it, my mind still in shock over hearing his voice. I'd never thought I'd ever hear it again.

_Ahh yes. My first victim. Not really. That's not what these tapes were made for. So let's rephrase this. The first story._

There was a pause for about thirty seconds and I looked down at the machine wondering if it had broken or something of the sort.

_James Anderson. Or as you're better known as, Father. You're first._

I gasped, although I wasn't sure why I was surprised. I'd known about how Blaine's dad had never approved of the fact that Blaine was gay. I'd held Blaine in my arms as he sobbed too many times before because of things he'd said or done to be convinced otherwise.

_Father, for the first ten years of my life, you were just like any of my friends' dads. You were a typical dad. And, although I wouldn't ever admit it before, I really looked up to you. You were my hero._

_Why, the rest of you may be asking? Well you've clearly never seen my father. He's extremely put together, never a wrinkle in his clothing and never a hair out of place. Even when he was in casual clothes or we were playing football out in the yard, your clothes always looked perfect and your hair was never messy. And even if it happened to be, then it still looked good because it was you. You always looked professional, yet casual at the same time._

_Another reason was you were very loving. I know that sounds ironic, but it used to be true. It still is, I just learned the hard way that your unconditional love has standards that I can't meet._

_What I mean by his way of loving though, for the other eleven of you, is that he would do anything for his family. My entire childhood, I knew I could count on him if someone was making fun of me at school, if I ever hurt myself for any reason, things like that. From stories, I know Cooper felt the same. But we'll get to him later._

Oh God, does Cooper have a tape? What's his story on? I knew the two of them had some rough patches, but Blaine had always talked about how close they were most of the time. He'd never mentioned a problem between them.

But then again, he'd never even mentioned to me anything about wanting to... end his own problems either.

_When I was five, my favorite part of everyday was when you came home. It was always between five and five-thirty and at exactly five, I'd sit on the couch by the living room window and stare out the window until your car pulled in the driveway._

_I'd run out as fast as my little legs would carry me just as you were opening the door and I'd jump into your open arms. You'd scoop me up and spin around, holding me before placing me back to the ground and ruffling my hair._

_No for you others, I didn't always gel it._

I laughed quietly before quickly stopping as I heard Blaine's voice start again.

_Every weekend you'd take me to this huge open field right next to the playground down the street from our house and we'd play every sport we had the equipment for. Cooper would come when he wasn't out with a friend too. We'd throw footballs, play catch, kick a soccer ball and play one-on-one on the run-down basketball court until we were both exhausted and that's when we'd finally head back home where Mom was waiting. She'd always have our favorite lemonade ready and she'd squat to my level to wrap me in a huge hug._

_The older I got though, the fewer and farther between those trips became. We moved away halfway through my fifth grade year because your job. The new job required overnight traveling, so you'd be gone for days, weeks at a time. Mom and I did well on our own, but it was clear we both missed having you around._

_That wasn't the only bad part about the new house. I had a hard time making friends and without you there, I didn't have anyone to play sports with. I slowly began losing interest in them because of the lack of playing time, so when you were actually home, I didn't have much desire to play._

_That was the starting point. On your marks, get set, go. And you did. You started heading down the road that led straight away from me. Pun intended._

**l l**

I chuckled again before once again realizing what I was doing. I shouldn't be laughing at a time like this. Although why would he send these to everyone, make these jokes and not want us to laugh? I had a feeling he didn't just want us to cry or whatever the whole time. I unpaused the tape.

**l l**

_As I grew older and began realizing that I enjoyed watching sports games for the guys as much as the actual game, Dad and I grew more and more distant. He began to pick up on little things that I did different as I came to terms with my sexuality that I didn't even realize I was doing._

_The first time the topic was ever brought up, I was in my room doing homework when my dad came home. I was in about eighth grade, so the days of running to greet my father were over and done with. I had come to terms with the fact that I was gay, but still never said a word to anyone, even Cooper. He came into the room with a grim expression on his face that I knew well. He was uncomfortable and didn't want to be here._

_"Hey," he mumbled, nervously adjusting his tie. It was one of the only times I saw him as anything but completely confident._

_"Hi," I answered._

_"So, I heard there's this fundraising carwash down by that rundown old gas station today," he proceeded to inform me, all nervousness gone from his face and replace with mischief. "Run by the cheerleaders from that other high school." As soon as cheerleaders left his lips, I had resisted the strong urge to groan and role my eyes._

_I hadn't known what was worse. The fact that he was trying to get me to stare at bikini-clad girls at a carwash in a parking lot or the fact that he looked genuinely interested in doing just that._

_"Uh, thanks Dad but I have homework I need to get done." I nervously ran a hand through my hair. "B-Big test tomorrow._

_I could see the look of disappointment on his face. The look that said, Cooper would have gone with me. Cooper wouldn't have turned down every attempt to check out some girls. Why can't you be more like Cooper?_

_Why can't you be more like Cooper?_

_The magic question. If I'd had a dime for every time I heard that one._

I cringed as he said this, knowing just how horrid it was for him to constantly be told he wasn't as perfect as his brother and never would be.

_"Oh," was all he said. One letter. Or one word I guess. Depending on how you want to look at it. Then he started in._

_"How come you never want to check out girls with your old man?" was his next question. Hand on the doorknob, one foot out the door, my lungs ready to let out the breath I'd been holding. You just had to say it._

_"I'm just... really busy right now." Yeah. Busy. Busy checking out guys maybe._

How could he be joking like this? On these tapes? But that's typical Blaine. Always one to make light of a dark situation.

_He stood still, in the same position for a few more moments, both of us noticeably uncomfortable. Then he said those words that changed our relationship forever._

_"Well you better be careful. Put off getting a girlfriend for too long and everyone will think you're gay. And you wouldn't want that, you're too much of a catch." He then grinned, winked and pulled the door shut. I stayed still as a statue until I heard his retreating footsteps down the stairs._

_Now, I'd love to dissect that last part if that conversation. Shall we?_

Do we have much choice? Because I'd rather not.

_Numero uno. And yes, I know some Spanish. First sentence. Why should I be careful? You probably assumed before I warned you that he was going to say something about not letting schoolwork run my life, to make sure I kept a social life or just some time for fun. But no. He was concerned of my reputation. Or his, should I say._

_Numero dos. Put off getting a girlfriend for too long and everyone will think you're gay. Does this even need explaining? Because I think it's offensive, and rude enough as it is. Does this mean my friend, my straight friend might I add, David was gay for most of his life because he didn't have time for a serious girlfriend until he was seventeen? Not that that was my case, but was it okay to assume he was gay because he didn't go ogle over half-naked girls when he was fourteen?_

_May I remind you again, I was in eighth grade when this happened. It's not even like I was in high school._

_Numero tres. And you wouldn't want that, you're too much of a catch. So now I need to work my sexuality around the feelings of others because apparently I'm too attractive to be gay? That's all I'm going to say, since there's a lot of things wrong with that sentence, not just including the part I'm particularly discussing._

Once again, typical Blaine. Always modest, never fully aware of how attractive he is. Was. Probably still is.

_Finally, numero cuatro. The grin, wink and immediate shutting of the door. That basically said I'm right, I know it, I don't value what you have to say and now the conversation's done. Not a word in edgewise._

I felt my face getting hotter and my blood pressure rising as my anger towards Mr. Anderson increased. Blaine had told me most of these things at one time or another, but knowing that he was telling this to eleven other people, including his father, and in drastically different circumstances changed its meaning.

_At that point, you thought you were joking around. But how much truth was in your supposedly funny comments? More than you'd know until Christmas vacation, middle of freshman year. When I came out to you guys._

_I had watched all the videos, giving me tips of how to do it, telling me that no matter what, you'll still love me for me, not who I was born to love._

_I don't know what they were on but that couldn't have been farther from the truth._

_First comment from you, Dad. "You mean, as in happy? Did you make the soccer team like your brother?"_

_Even when you knew what I was talking about, you still brushed it off and then continued to making references from my life to Cooper. And the sad part is that I don't even think you thought about it anymore. They just kept on coming. Like word vomit._

_And I hope you all got the Mean Girls reference. Best. Movie. Ever_.

Blaine and I had a tradition of watching Mean Girls at least once a month ever since we'd become friends. We'd have contests after it was over to see who could reenact a scene of the other's choice the best, not the same scene twice in a row.

_I looked to Mom, hoping she would at least say something related to the fact that I had just told you the biggest secret of my life. But you did nothing Mom. You just looked over at my father, still waiting to hear about the stupid soccer team._

_It only took ten seconds for me to walk away after both of you neglected to say a word. Neither of you called after me. But I didn't expect it._

_Now, I didn't mean to dwell on my mother there for a second. This tape is about my dad. But in truth, I didn't care what my mom thought about me being gay. I didn't care what she thought if I'd told her I was gay, straight, bi, orange, purple or dinosaur. I only cared about one person's reaction._

_You guessed it. That's you Dad. Your opinion of me mattered more than anyone else's. Even after all you did to me over the years, it still meant more to me than I'd ever be willing to admit._

_That's why what happened in my room the very next day shook me to the core and broke me in ways I could never explain._

**l l**

I paused the tape, my finger still hovering over the button. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Hearing my boyfriend talk about everything people had done to hurt him, especially when I'd thought I'd never hear his voice again, was too much.

But Blaine wants me to do it. It wants us twelve to know what happened. Even me, who doesn't know what I'd done to even get on these tapes.

**l l**

_It was just a regular day. I had just gotten home from school and gone upstairs, no one having been home yet._

_I pulled out my homework, working meticulously on some math problems until I heard the car doors outside. The front door opened, the clicking of my mother's high heels and my dad's dress shoes echoed through the otherwise quiet house._

_I stayed put, the reaction my parents had given me the day prior still in the back of my mind. I had no desire to see either of them._

_It had to have been about half an hour before the knock echoed on my door._

Oh Blaine, why'd you let him in?

_I knew who it was. I could have turned him away, we both knew he didn't want to be talking to me anyway. But I let a quiet "Come in" escape my lips anyway._

I took a shaky deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. Blaine had never told me what happened after he'd come out to his parents and I knew this wouldn't end well.

_The door burst open and there stood my confident father, still in his work attire. He seemed like he was on top of the world._

_"Hello son," he said, running a hand along the doorframe, looking around and then taking a careful seat on my bed._

_I didn't say a word in response. I figured I'd let him do the talking._

_"I'd like to discuss what you... informed us of yesterday."_

_My stomach dropped and I broke out in a nervous sweat. My hands immediately started getting clammy and I had a sick feeling in my stomach._

_Is this normal behavior for when a father wants to talk to his son? Well, it's normal for me anyway._

_"You do... you do know the repercussions for this right?" He hesitated a tad at first before returning to his collected persona._

_I stayed quiet once again._

_He sighed. "This is a sin Blaine. You're a sin. Everywhere we go, people are going to stare at us and point and say, those are the people raising a sinner. How could you do this to our family?"_

I laughed dryly, an amused expression on my face. It's funny how people think a religion is the only argument they need to prove that homosexuality is wrong. Just shows how pathetic they are.

_I gritted my teeth. "I didn't do anything to this family. This so called family here has been dysfunctional for a long time and it has nothing to do with how I was born."_

_"But don't you get it? You chose this." My father stood and sauntered closer to my desk. I leaned back to get as far away from him as I could. "You've always been out to kill the image of our family. Your mother and I raised you and Coop to be nice Christian boys and this is how you thank us for all we've done?"_

_Oh I'm sorry Dad. I didn't know the kids had to thank their parents for raising them._

_"And how exactly have I done that?" I asked._

_"You refuse to play soccer, heck you refuse to play any sports! All you care about is that stupid boxing thing and that's not even a real sport. You refuse to date a girl. You refuse to do anything manly because you are a girl! Why can't you be more like Cooper?"_

_That last line hit me like a slap in the face and before I got to say anything, the next thing he said came at me like a punch in the gut._

_"If you're not going to be more like Cooper, then I can't be proud of you. I can't be proud of someone who's... like you and can't even man up and date a pretty girl. Only girls like boys Blaine, so that means you are a girl."_

_"I don't need you to be proud of me," I said icily, tears covering my voice as I tried to act like I truly didn't care. "Your opinion of me means nothing anymore."_

_That was a complete lie. I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself from saying it. I didn't want him knowing how much he was hurting me._

_"Well if that's the case, then you won't care if I ask you to leave."_

_I stopped dead, my head whipping up to meet his ice eyes. "Excuse me?"_

_"I can't have you contaminating the other members of this house. And I can't stand having to look at you all the time. I need you to leave."_

_"You can't just kick me out," I blurted as assertively as I could muster. "I'm only fifteen."_

_"Well, if you are going to stay here, I want it to be like you aren't. I never want to see you or any sign of you. Everything you do must be out if my sight. Is that clear?"_

_"But Dad." By this point I stopped trying to prevent the tears from falling and let go. I tried to hastily wipe the tears away before my dad saw them, but knowing my luck, as you now all do, he saw._

_"This is why I never want to see you. Real men don't cry. I should have seen it coming." And with that, he left me alone in my room._

**l l**

With tears coming so hard and fast, I was forced to pause the tape due to a lack of being able to hear anything.

How could Blaine not _tell_ me any of this? We had a policy where we'd tell each other everything, no matter how you thought it'd affect the other. I always knew he and his father had a bad relationship and that's why I'd never met him or been near him for that matter. But I'd never asked anything else. And now I wished more than anything that I had.

**l l**

_That was the last time I talked to my dad. Well, no not the last. But there were only a select few, probably twice since then I've said anything. It was a few words in passing with nothing more than a groan, eye roll or look that said, I know you're here and that's not okay._

_If I had to, looking back at my life, pinpoint a starting point if you will, at which these stories could begin, that'd be it. Never having my father speak to me again after that afternoon in my room. Everything he said in my room wouldn't even be the start because I'd become immune to what he said to me. The fact that he actually followed through with what he'd said to me was what really felt like a punch in the gut. The horrid feeling of a harsh threat becoming my reality._

_I felt alone. I felt like no one was in my corner. I felt like I needed someone in my life again. A certain person who had helped me in the past and could have helped me to prevent the thoughts that were beginning to cloud my brain. And they made an appearance a couple times after that. But clearly not enough._

_This leads us into our next story. So, flip this tape over and venture a listen._

**[]**

I opened the compartment and slid the piece of plastic, leaning over to the pile of tapes I had stacked. I fished around for the one that had a two written on it, running my fingers over its crevices. Inserting it into the slot, I took a deep breath and pressed play.


	3. Cassette Two, Side A

**Just something for those of you reading to know:**

**Bei********ng someone who read the book, I know how powerful its message and the story is. I'm not trying to create a story that's better than the book because that's not something that's possible to do. The plan is to simply take an amazing story and use it as inspiration to create another, different story. I'm not trying to lighten or improve the author's original idea or theme.**

******That being said, please keep this in mind while reading the story.**

* * *

**#**

_Now, although I'm going to try, it unfortunately it may not always happen like this. This story comes as a result of the previous one. It's all connected! Yay!_

He chuckled after that, sending my heart into a tailspin of emotions. I couldn't remember the last time I'd heard him laugh. Well, I did. I just didn't want to remember it.

_This one's about someone who I could call near and dear to my heart. Or one of the reasons I'm... not here as you're listening to this. And buddy, I even feel kind of sorry cause some of the time you were involved from thousands of miles away. When you didn't know even. But most of the time, you did it yourself. And you may not have known it, but it snowballed._

_It built up and up until I cracked._

_Cooper Anderson, are you ready?_

I'd seen this one coming, so it didn't completely shock me. That didn't mean that I didn't feel my heartbeat quicken once the words had left his mouth.

_Cooper, you were the best brother I could have asked for. Even through our nine-year age difference, we had this close relationship that got me through so many hard times in my life. Unfortunately, you were also a cause of some of the hard times. I just never knew which Cooper I was going to get with you: the one who bettered my life or the one who made it so much worse._

I began thinking how much I knew about Blaine and Cooper's relationship, what he may have been talking about or what he was going to talk about. Not nearly enough.

_The first memory I have with you is when I was three and playing in the yard with our neighbor. He was a couple years older than me, but still younger than you and obviously much taller than me since I was short for my age as it was._

_Who am I kidding? I'm making it sound like I'm not still short for my age._

I chuckled at the height comment, knowing Blaine always teased himself for being short. As far as I could tell, it never really bothered him. But I'd only listened to one tape so far and had already realized there was so much I didn't know about the boy I'd called my other half.

_We had one of those kid-sized soccer balls and were kicking it back and forth across the lawn. Well he was kicking it and my three-year-old self was doing anything I had to to get the ball back to him. All of a sudden, something hit me really hard in the gut and I was on my back in the grass._

_Turns out the kid thought it would be fun for him to see how hard he had to kick the ball for it to knock me over. As assumed by his amount of intelligence at such a young age, he now lives with his parents working at the local diner for minimum wage instead of at college with the rest of his peers._

_I hadn't thought much of the incident, taking what he had said with what it was, and continuing to play with him. It had to have been no more than two minutes later when I saw Cooper sauntering across the lawn with composure so self-assured, I'd never witnessed anything like it. Except when watching my father._

There it was. Another thing that was probably used against Blaine. Even the littlest things like the way one carries themself could be used to hurt someone. Enough to leave a lasting impact.

_Cooper walked up to the kid who'd kicked the ball at me, looking at him sweetly and innocently. He squatted down to the boy's level, motioning for him to lean in close so he could do what looked like whisper something in his ear._

_Since every kid in the neighborhood practically worshipped Cooper, the kid was very excited that Cooper was giving him the time of day. I didn't know what he'd said at the time, but I only saw the terrified expression the boy had when Cooper had finished talking and began walking away, taking my hand and leading me away from him and back to our house._

_I asked Coop what he'd said to the boy when we got back to our house and all he told me was that he'd told the boy that there were punishments for being mean and that it wasn't okay to kick balls at people. It meant little more than my older brother looking out for me at the time, but looking back on it, I realize what really happened and appreciate him sticking up for the underdog more than anything._

_That was the first memory I have of him doing that kind of thing for me. As I got older, the same things happened and Cooper was always there to pick up the pieces in the only way he knew how: charming people with his charisma and then going in for the kill. I'm not really sure how long I would have lasted without him, since my parents slowly began losing interest in me as I got older._

I'd heard that story before. When we first started dating and we were talking about family and such, I heard a little about his family situation. As time went on, I heard more and more stories, and then details added onto said stories. This one had come up as one of the first.

_Cooper, obviously, was the first one I came out to. I'd had a feeling he knew before I said it, since I'd started actually being myself more and more the weeks leading up to when I told my parents. We video chatted and talked frequently, so at the very least he must have noticed the lack of sports shirts and ripped jeans._

_If you'd noticed though, you hadn't mentioned it Coop. You talked to me like I was just Blaine. Not Blaine, the kid who might be gay and therefore a disgrace to the family. Just Blaine who'd always loved musicals and clothes and had just started voicing it._

_That conversation was actually the final push for me to tell Mom and Dad. We'd been talking about the Buckeyes and their season so far when, on a pause, I just came out with it. Pun intended once again. Man, I'm on fire._

Did he plan this speech, for lack of a better word? Is he reading off a script right now? Or note cards? Or is he just talking into a recorder? Is he in his room? Basement? I know he loved spending time in his finished basement. He said it gave him some space from it all since his parents never went down there. He said it was always his and Cooper's place ever since he could remember.

So many questions that'll never be answered.

_"I'm gay," I blurted out in the middle of a sentence. Cooper stopped immediately, looking me over for a second with a blank expression on his face._

_"Okay?" he said after a moment. "How is that relevant to the Buckeyes' quarterback situation?"_

_"I just..." I was at a loss for words and could feel a blush growing on my face. "I wanted to tell you. Because I am."_

_"Dude, it doesn't matter to be if you're gay, straight, bi, green or part dog. If that's what you are, then that's you." He paused, looking at me in mild amusement as my jaw dropped open. "Are you still my baby brother Blaine?"_

_I nodded, but didn't say anything._

_"Well then love whoever you want to love. I've got no problem with it. I've got friends, guys and girls, who are gay. It's not a big deal." Cooper smiled as I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. "So the Buckeyes' running backs. Do you like them, 'because I think frankly we'd be better off with one of us out there with the way the season's been going."_

_And that was that._

I knew I'd always liked Cooper. When I'd met him, he scanned me with his eyes from head to toe, nodded and told Blaine I was hot and to keep me around. He'd treated me the same way he would have treated a girlfriend Blaine had brought over if he was straight. Not as if I was contaminating society, but simply as a person who was now a part of Blaine's life.

_I just stared at him, a shocked expression on my face._

_"You know that if you let your mouth hang open for too long, bugs will eventually fly in," Cooper said. "Besides, I've got to rehearse for my audition pretty soon. Now, what do you think of those running backs?"_

_I quickly realized my mouth had dropped open again and I quickly closed it, smiling sheepishly. I looked at Cooper with his expectant expression and I realized he was serious. He really found nothing wrong with the fact that I was gay. That's what gave me the courage to come out to my parents._

_Although it didn't provide the best preparation for my parents' reaction, but I didn't feel like living a lie anymore. I had just wanted to be myself and never really imagined quite what had happened ever happening to me. I had just thought that if they didn't like that, well, we just wouldn't speak of it. But I had been wrong._

Before I came out to my dad a couple years ago, I only wished I'd had someone like Cooper to do it to first. I couldn't even count the Glee club because I hadn't officially come out to them. They just found out through other people. Thankfully he was okay with it. Although if his parents' reaction was what had started it all for Blaine, I would have traded places with him if that's what he'd needed in a heartbeat.

_Courage became a big part of my life, especially after that point. It'd started a while before coming out to Cooper but it played an even larger role later. But I won't get into that now. It'll ruin the fun for someone else if I talked about that now._

That's me. He's talking about me. My heart started beating at a rapid pace and I began to feel lightheaded as the room started spinning.

_Now, most of you know how the word courage was something more than just a seven letter word. It's what got me through some of the toughest times of my life. And because of whom? Cooper._

Why is he telling us all the good things Cooper's done for him? I thought he was making these tapes to tell us why he's not here anymore. Not to reminisce about his siblings.

_Now, many of you are probably wondering why I'm telling all these adorably cute brother stories. This is for you to tell us all the tragic parts of your life, right? Well this all led up to that. I have to prepare you all for the part that contributes to the story. You'll see._

I shudder at the thought. Cooper, probably unknowingly, strung Blaine along and was so close to the younger boy and then left him. Or something else I didn't know about.

_I was six. I had just come home from my first day of first grade. I was covered in dirt, my knees bleeding and I was wandering around the house looking for someone to clean me up._

_Copper was the first I found, sitting in his bedroom doing homework._

_"Coop?" I said hesitantly, my voice small and quiet. Copper had always liked playing loud music when he did homework, so it was no surprise to me that he couldn't hear me. I had tip-toed into the room, his back to me because his desk was situated so his back was to the door. I tapped on his shoulder and he jolted out of his own little world, pressing a button on the machine to silence the music._

_"What's up Bud?" he asked before looking down at my knee and the rest of my body, covered in dirt and blood. "Geez, what happened?"_

_"This kid pushed me down on the way to the bus today because he said I was in his way. Then this other kid tripped me when we got off the bus and said a bad word to me." I pointed to my knee. "That's how I got that."_

_"What did the kid call you? And who was it who did this?"_

_"I don't know their names. They were both just bigger than me. And I don't want to say the word. It's not nice."_

_It was dumb, for all of you who didn't know. But when we were little kids, dumb and stupid were bad words. _

_"Well let's get you cleaned up," Cooper said, lifting me up and carrying me bridal-style to the bathroom, grinning as I giggled the whole way._

_After Cooper washed off the dirt and put bandages on my knees, he looked me in the eyes as I was still sitting on the counter._

_"Now Blainers, I want you to remember something if this ever happens to you again. Because I know you're brave. Aren't you?" I nodded. "Anytime some mean kid decides it'll be fun to pick on a kid half his age, I want you to close your eyes and say 'courage' in your head. Then I want you to smile and walk away."_

_"Why do you want me to do that?" I asked, my six-year-old brain not able to understand._

_"Because, I know you have the courage to stand up to those boys. But they don't deserve a reaction from you so I just want you to remind yourself about how much courage you have and to not let those bullies get to you. Because you're strong."_

_"You bet!" I exclaimed as I flexed my six-year-old muscles. That earned a laugh from Cooper, which made me smile._

That last comment made me smile as well, as I reminisced about all the nights Blaine and I had spent just enjoying each other's company and lying around somewhere, most of the time my room or the occasional time at Blaine's house when his parents were gone for business or something of the sort.

My favorite part was how safe I felt in his arms, the arms that not only made me feel secure and safe emotionally, but also physically due to the fact that he had the strongest and warmest arms I'd ever had the pleasure of cuddling in. Blaine would deny it to no end, that no, he didn't ever work out but I never believed a second of it.

_After that day, that message was with me always. Courage. I lived by that the rest of my life after that. Whenever some kid would pick on me or do anything to me, I'd just smile and walk away, telling myself 'courage' over and over._

_It doesn't always work though. And this is when things started going wrong for you Coop. Let's fast-forward a little. Freshman year. Sadie Hawkins dance._

I made some unknown noise that's a combination of a gasp and a whimper as I ran my hand through my hair. I didn't know if I could handle hearing about this again. Blaine had told me a short, abbreviated version of the night and I couldn't hold back the tears then.

_I had "come out", I guess you could call it, in school only a few months before this annual dance and thought it'd be fun to go with a guy who was actually gay and out like I was. In the conservative Ohio public high school that I went to, there weren't many of those around to pick from. I knew one of the kids, not much actually about him, but after building up a lot of courage, I asked him and he said yes._

_There's that courage again by the way. But Michael and I learned later that your little idea didn't work when kids were determined enough Cooper. But you wouldn't know. Because you weren't there._

_When I tried to tell you about how Michael and I were going to the dance on what seemed to be a date, my first one, you weren't there. I couldn't tell anyone. There was no one I was close enough to at school, at home or anywhere that I could tell but you. And you couldn't give me that._

That was it. That's why Blaine hadn't mentioned anything bad about his brother. He'd wanted to block out all the times he hadn't been there for him. That's why I never heard this version of the story. That's why all the bad things he's going to now say about Cooper Anderson are things I've never heard before.

_Since Michael's parents were busy and mine liked to pretend I didn't exist, we waited to get picked up by someone who happened to be a mutual friend of ours. While we were out there, this truck full of seniors drove past my house headed to the dance as well. Something about two guys standing outside together seemed to catch their eye because as we followed the truck with our eyes, they pulled into a driveway, turned around and pulled into my driveway._

_The next five minutes were a blur and I only remember parts of what happened. They were shouting slurs when they got out if the car, all five of them, and then the next thing I knew, I was on the ground being kicked in the gut when they headed for Michael next. One thing led to another and then I was awake in a hospital bed._

_I probably remember more than that, but I'd like to kindly ask you all to just take that story and infer what you'd like. I'm fairly sure I know what happened and for that, I like to pretend that day never happened._

I wiped a tear from my eyes before I even realized they were streaming down my cheeks. I was really glad that he hadn't told me the whole story before. I don't think I could have handled the look on his face, the expressions and the emotions that were sure to accompany this story in person.

_I later found out that our friend's parents had found us on my front lawn unconscious when they arrived to pick us up. Because of the amount of time we spent untreated, I had a serious concussion and a bunch of broken bones while Michael had a broken leg that would never heal properly and multiple other broken parts._

_Needless to say, I didn't ask anyone else to any social event for a long time._

It was frankly unbelievable that Blaine felt that he couldn't even go somewhere with a friend or a date without being terrified that he'd end up in the hospital. I thought McKinley was bad, but that never even happened to me.

_When I got home from the hospital, the first thing I did was set up a video chat session with Cooper. When I finally found a time he wasn't busy being a "big shot movie star", we set up a time and I finally got to talk to him._

_I told him about what had happened, every gruesome detail. He was the only person I told a detailed version of the night to. His response?_

_"Man Blainers, that sucks that people would be that ignorant. I hope you're okay. Now, I've been working in this script for a new role and was wondering if I could run through this with you?"_

_That's it. The only person I thought would actually care about me didn't even give me what I so desperately needed. Someone to care about me. You couldn't even give me that._

_That's when I truly started to feel like I could be useless. A waste of space. Like I didn't deserve to be taking up the space that someone who people actually valued could be using._

When you met me, you didn't think that I cared about you? I couldn't believe that I could have sent off a vibe that could have said anything but. I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved and it still wasn't enough.

_About a week later, I stopped my mother before my father was home from work and asked if she could talk to him about me transferring to Dalton Academy for Boys. The same school Cooper had gone to. I knew that I had more of a chance if my mother brought it up instead of me, since she could still tolerate my existence and my father enjoyed hers. She looked at me and walked away without another word. I took that as a yes that she would talk to him._

_A few days after that, I heard what had appeared to be a heated discussion in their room late one night. I could hear only a few words here and there after putting my ear to the door, some including "expensive", "away" and "dorms". I heard footsteps and I scrambled to make it back to my room before hearing their door open and soft footsteps come to my door._

_When the door opened, it was my mother sitting there. She simply nodded her head and said, "Uncle John will bring you over this Sunday. Pack your bags, you'll be rooming there." She left after that and I didn't know whether to cheer or cry that I was going, but that the probable reason they let me go was so I was out of their sight._

I had a feeling I knew where this was going. Blaine had told me about how he went to Dalton in very few words, but it only barely did touched on Cooper's reaction and since it was his tape, I knew a more detailed version of the events must be included.

_Now Cooper. You come into play when I once again try to call you and tell you about how I was going to Dalton. Just like you. But you didn't answer Cooper. You didn't answer the seven other times I called you either. All I got was your voicemail that told me: Hello, this is Cooper Anderson. I am currently filming a commercial where service is virtually nonexistent. Email me if you really need me, if not leave me a message. Thanks!_

_I did both Cooper, but you never got back to me. Was I that unimportant to you that you couldn't even email your own brother back? Or search a little harder for service to call me? I wasn't asking for a lot. Just a little acknowledgement of my existence and maybe, just maybe, my importance in your life._

_The last straw was when I was leaving for Dalton a few days later. My Uncle John was putting the last of my bags in his car as I looked through my room to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. I'd picked up my phone and tried to call you one more time and I got that same stupid voicemail. After what had to have been the twentieth message I'd left in the past three days, I walked out of the room and was about to walk out the front door when I heard my father talking._

This couldn't be good. Every time Blaine mentioned that ignorant homophobe opening his mouth, I got a feeling in my stomach that felt like every one of my internal organs were constricting into a permanent knot.

"_Thanks so much for doing this John," he said. "Pam and I couldn't stand to bring him ourselves but we couldn't wait to jump on the chance to send him off. Tuition is steep, but now that my home is finally cleansed of its impurities, it's worth it."_

"_And who knows?" Uncle John spoke up. "Maybe he'll straighten out while he's there like Cooper did. Literally in his case of course."_

"_Yeah, Cooper turned into such a great kid when he got out, even greater than when he went in," my dad said once he'd finished chuckling at my uncle's comment and I wasn't surprised to hear a stunning lack of my mother's input in the conversation. "We can only wish Blaine would be more like Cooper."_

_And that did it. Even when they should be happy about me leaving, they still need to compare me to you. And that was the final push for me. I stopped trying to call you Cooper. You called me a few times and we talked briefly, but it was for no more than two or three minutes about five different times. Until a few days ago, when I finally decided to make these tapes. I called you hoping for someone to convince me not to. I gave you hints that I was contemplating taking my life. But you didn't pick up on them. You actually cut me off and asked if you could call me back because your casting director was calling._

_The shocker? You never called me back._

_That was the last time you'd hear my voice while I was still living Cooper. Was that role more important that your own brother's voice? You own brother's life? I hope for your sake it was._

**[]**

The tape stopped and I gently ejected the plastic. As I made to flip it over, I realized I couldn't stay here. I couldn't risk my father finding the tapes and questioning what they were. I opened my closet and felt around until I found one of my many designer bags that could fit the tapes. I poured them into the bag and stuffed the player in as well.

I walked down the stairs and paused as my dad turned his attention away from his dinner and his game.

"Hey Bud, where you headed?"

"Rachel's," I blurted without thinking. "Sh-She's finally letting me join in for Broadway night with her and her dads."

Burt looked at me oddly for a moment before shaking his head and turning back to his food and game. "Whatever makes you happy Kurt. Be careful."

I nodded. "I will. And don't wait up for me. I'll make sure to be home by curfew, but sometimes things get intense and it could be a while."

Burt mumbled something between an "Okay" and a "Mhmm" before I quickly made my way to the door and crossed the threshold, closing it behind me before digging out the player, shoving the tape back in but on the opposite side, and pressing play.


	4. Cassette Two, Side B

**#**

_Since I've done a couple family members, I'm going to take a break from that department and turn to school and friends for a while._

Oh God. This could be me. Although I'd like to hope that I would be considered more than a friend. My insides knotted up again and I grew anxious.

_I know you're all bursting at the seams with excitement. I am too. But before we get into too much, let me give you all a background leading up to the person that this tapes revolves around._

_Dalton Academy for Boys. The safe haven for those like me who had been bullied and needed a place to go to feel safe. The zero-tolerance for bullying policy was my best friend while I was there. The actual friends I made while I was there were some of the best I'd ever had and ever would have. But it didn't come immediately._

I let a sigh of relief escape my lips. When it was my turn, I assumed it wouldn't start like this. There was a part of my stomach that wouldn't uncoil until I heard straight out that it wasn't my turn.

In the meantime though, I racked my brain for friends of Blaine's from Dalton that had been at the funeral as I walked slowly down the sidewalk and away from my house. I didn't know where I was walking to, but all I did know is that I wasn't going to Rachel's for Broadway Night. I needed a place I could just _be_ and listen to these tapes.

If light bulbs really appeared over people's heads like in movies when people had ideas, it would have happened to me when I realized the perfect place to go. I took a right out of my driveway as Blaine's voice continued on.

_My first week or so at Dalton was very lonely. I arrived there with no one and had no one when I got there. My roommate was a boy named Michael Waters and he was nice enough, but he was a year older than me and had been going here since he was a freshman, so he had his own group of friends._

_My routine, because of this, consisted of going to my classes, eating in my dorm room, going to my afternoon classes and then returning to the dorm again until dinner. I'd eat dinner alone at the end of a random table and then return to my dorm for the last time, do my homework and then go to bed early because, really, what else did I have to do? Michael would come home a while after I'd gone to bed, but I'd still be awake, pretending I was asleep night after night when he trudged around the room, then collapsed into his own bed across the room._

_This was my life. An endless rut of boring. Until a certain someone, who this tape is about, talked to me for the first time._

_Know who it is yet? Anyone? Oh okay, I'll tell you._

_Nick Duval. Buddy! Did anyone guess it was Nick? Did Nick even guess it was Nick? I bet you didn't even think you'd get on this list buddy: you were my first friend, you introduced me to my second friend Jeff, and you helped me join the Warblers. How could you possibly be a reason for me ending my life early?_

_Oh, well you'll find out._

My internal organs finally straighten themselves out as Blaine said a name that wasn't mine. I knew Nick from my time at Dalton, he and this boy named Jeff were attached at the hip and closet gays who were secretly in love with each other. We Warblers had had far too many conventions in an attempt to help them realize what was in front of them, but none worked, contrary to our efforts.

_Nick, I didn't meet you until I'd been at Dalton for a few weeks. I had seen these two kids, one a brunette and the other a blond, who always seemed to be causing or plotting to cause some kind of trouble whenever I saw you: the cafeteria, my math class, my history class, the mini concert I'd attended my second day there put on by the Warblers, but I had never imagined talking to either of you._

_Then, one day when I was once again taking my usual walk back to my dorm to work on homework until it was time for dinner, the brunette stopped me as I was heading up the grand staircase. He grabbed my wrist, scaring me half to death, and began tugging me back in the direction of the main lounge._

"_W-Where are you taking me?" I stuttered as you finally let go of my wrist and plopped me down in a cushioned chair, you taking the one across from mine and next to the blond boy's who I'd always seen with you._

"_Well, clearly I'm taking you to the main lounge, since that's where we're sitting…" you said and I felt a blush rising and covering my face from embarrassment._

"_Well, yeah, I guess I mean… Um…" I was at a loss for words, unaware of what you were supposed to say to someone who you'd been watching for weeks and had just been pulled into a lounge by. You and the blond boy looked pleased with yourselves for making me squirm like that, until finally you said something._

"_Look, we're sorry for practically capturing you from what I assume would have been a rigorous and exciting homework session," you said and I felt the blush deepen._

I followed the road, turning down a deserted dirt pathway towards a pond that was more like a ditch that had filled with water over time. I used to come here all the time for peace and quiet and when I met Blaine, we began coming here at least two or three times a week and spending time together. I hadn't come since Blaine had died and as soon as the scenery came into view, a pang of nostalgia hit me and I fell to the ground on my knees.

"_But we're sure you'd rather be with us right now," the blond spoke up. The statement was followed by you hitting the other boy on the arm and glaring at him._

"_Way to make us sound all self-absorbed," you said, turning back to me and holding out your hand. "I'm Nick by the way. Nick Duval. And this is my best friend Jeff Sterling. We're a package deal and the guys who know how to have fun here at Dalton."_

_I looked at them curiously, unable to process what was happening. "So let me get this straight—"_

"_Basically we're your fairy god parents. We've been watching you the last few weeks—"_

"_In the least creepy way possible," Nick cut in, glaring at Jeff once again._

"_Yes, and we've noticed you aren't having any fun here. And we'd like to change that." Jeff smiled triumphantly._

I stayed on the ground for a moment, my head in my hands and my face dipped down so it was touching the grass. I breathed in the smell of nature, dirt and the outdoors. I ran my fingers through my hair, which was already disheveled beyond repair.

_"You... You do?" I asked hesitantly, unable to wrap my head around the idea that people actually wanted me to hang out with them. That had been a foreign concept to me for most of my life._

_"Unless you're allergic to a good time," Nick spoke up. "Then you probably shouldn't spend time with us."_

"_O-Oh no, that's okay."_

"_Good," Nick and Jeff said at the same time. They laughed, shouted jinx, and practically trampled each other over in order to get to a wooden fixture to knock on before the other. I simply grinned, knowing that this is what I had wanted for my whole life without even knowing it. People who wanted to spend time with me and have fun._

I stayed hunched over until my knees began to hurt. I stood and walked to, then up the decent sized hill that, from the top, overlooked the pond. When I reached the top, I took a seat where Blaine and I had decided one day was the highest peak, and stared out from my watch area.

_The three of us stayed in the lounge for a while longer talking, or what could have been interpreted as Nick and Jeff asking me ridiculous questions and me scrambling to answer them how I saw fit. After a while, I finally admitted that I should probably head back to my dorm room to work on homework before dinner. They looked at me with bewildered expressions as if they didn't understand the concept of doing homework._

"_Homework is the work that occupies you in the boring class before it's due," Jeff informed me matter-of-factly. "Why would you do it now?"_

_I blushed and avoided the expectant stares of them both. "I don't know, it's just something I've always done?"_

"_Well, if you want, we're heading out to go see who can climb the tree out by the dining hall the fastest without using your thumbs, so if you're interested, you know where to find us." Nick finished speaking as Jeff stood up and led the way out of the lounge. Nick took one last look at me before following Jeff out the door._

_It was probably in my head, but I could have sworn I saw something that had looked like a combination of regret and sadness. More sadness than regret._

_I made my way back to my dorm with only half an hour until dinner. I got virtually no homework done, my mind on what Nick and Jeff were doing and what kind of fun I could be having if I would have forgotten about my stupid homework for once. When it was finally time for dinner, I quickly made my way down to the dining hall, where I found Nick and Jeff already occupying their usual table in the corner of the room by a large window, trays full of food in front of them. I took a deep breath and walked to the line that was already running along the nearby wall. I joined it and when I finally paid and left, I made my way to the table._

I let the palms of my hands rest in the grass behind me as I dipped my head back and let a breeze graze over my face. The cooler air felt good against the unseasonably hot and humid air around me as it rustled the multicolored leaves of the trees that reached high above my head. A few leaves landed around me, some landing in the pond and floating on the top, traveling wherever the breeze took them.

_I awkward set down my tray and the boys immediately included me in their conversation, greeting me with a detailed recap of their adventures climbing the tree outside the window they were sitting next to. They asked what I was doing after dinner and instead of saying what I'd actually planned on doing, I grinned, much to my own surprise._

"_I was thinking we could have a little fun with Mrs. Hunter in the secretary office," I said in a hushed whisper, remembering this as something I had heard them talking about doing in one of the classes I had with the two of them. My insides warmed when I saw their eyes light up at the suggestion. They immediately nodded, in agreement as well as encouragement for me to inform them of this intricate plan I had. Truth be told, I had no idea what I wanted to do to the poor woman, but it earned me approval from Nick and Jeff so I made up something off the top of my head. Something that wasn't dangerous, but something that would give us a laugh._

_Much to my luck, they loved this crazy idea I pulled out of thin air and we scarfed down the rest of our food in an attempt to get out of the dining hall to conduct this plan before curfew._

_Now, that night was one of the best of my life for a lot of reasons. I hadn't "come out" at Dalton, one because I hadn't seen a reason to and two for fear of being ignored, since there was no bullying allowed. No one knew the one huge secret that had isolated me from the other kids at my old school, heck, no one even knew about my old school. I had a fresh start and now I had two boys who truly liked me for me and were a lot of fun to be around. I was living my realistic dream._

_Of course I "came out" to them and the rest of my friends not too long after that night or whatever time was appropriate. As expected of students at Dalton, they didn't care and quickly returned to whatever conversation we'd been having before. Some of them even used that opportunity to nonchalantly inform me that they were gay too. But nothing else was done, nothing else was made about of situation, and I loved it. I hadn't even known why I was concerned._

_But as they say, all good things come to an end. Or, they did in my life at least. And Nick, your friendship was no different._

I straighten up upon hearing Blaine say this just in time for a squirrel to hop out of a tree and land about six or seven feet in front of me. His face immediately went into the grass and began what appeared to be searching for something until it came up with what looked like an acorn. I leaned forward just slightly and watched as it began playing with the nut until it broke into pieces. It leaned down and began eating the innards. I didn't even notice for a moment that the next noise to come from the ear pieces was a poor playing of a vaguely familiar pop song instead of Blaine's voice.

It played for no more than ten or fifteen seconds before it came to an abrupt halt and Blaine's voice returned.

_Recognize it? If not, it was "Hot 'n' Cold" by Katy Perry. Any of you who could say you knew me at all know that I love Katy Perry. But it wasn't just a random thing. Guess who got me started on Katy Perry?_

_You guessed it. Nick. You always liked to play the radio when we'd hang out and one day this song came on. You immediately started singing along, telling me all about how Katy Perry was a lyrical genius, as you put it. I didn't get the hype at first but after a few more listens, I quickly became hooked and it went downhill from there. For others. Uphill for me. She helped me to embrace who I was as an artist and as a person._

_But anyway, because of this, I began singing more and more. I've loved to sing for as long as I can remember, but until I began singing along with Nick and the occasional Jeff while doing homework, I never would have in a million years considered trying out for the Warblers, Dalton's elite a capella group. It took Nick and Jeff a month to convince me, but after relentless persistence, I agreed to go for an audition. I sang my own version of "Hot 'n' Cold", the song that started it all, and when I finished, two members of their council who had been watching turned to each other and nodded before one with olive skin and dark hair turned to me._

"_We have to talk it over with our other council members before any official decisions can be made, but considering what we've heard, I'm sure they'll find you just as nice of a fit in this group as we do." They both stood up and I shook their hands, trying to contain my excitement and ignore Nick and Jeff's muffled cheers and high fives in the hall._

_For the first time in my life, I felt like I could really belong to something. The Warblers could change how I looked at myself. It would prove that someone out there needed me. Relied on me for something. Even if I was just a background singer, I would have a part that wouldn't be complete without me._

_It would also lead to a wedge being driven between me and two of the best friends I'd ever had._

The squirrel had finished picking apart the nut and was then joined by another squirrel, who accompanied the other in climbing up a nearby tree. I let my head and eyes follow them up until their brown coats blended in with the bark in such a way that they were no longer visible. I returned my gaze to the ground, where bugs scurried about among the blades of grass out of my eyesight but nonetheless there. I leaned back so I was lying down, my face directed toward the mostly clear sky that was slowly turning a shade of pink as day turned into night.

_My first few weeks in the Warblers were amazing. All of the guys were very welcoming to the new guy and taught me the ropes of how the meetings ran and how the Warblers worked as a group. It was a challenge at first, much of my free time now being consumed by rehearsals and practices, but I loved it. Everyone was serious when required, but silly most of the time and I felt like the group had filled a void in my life. That is, until Nick suggested I audition for the solo for the impromptu performance we had planned for the common room._

_Ironic I know. Planned impromptu performance. But it was the first performance as a Warbler I was going to have in front of my peers, since the only ones I'd been a part of prior were two in a nursing home in which Wes and David, two council members, had each been the soloists for one._

_So Nick, Jeff and I prepared for the audition, neither of them auditioning themselves. We picked what we felt was the perfect song, "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morisette. As determined, it showed off a different emotional side of myself, provided a decent canvas for showing off my range, and as Jeff said, "She's just one crazy chick and you're a crazy dude. In the greatest possible way. So it works." _

_So I went, auditioned, nailed it if I do say so myself, and got the solo. The performance went great and I had all of the Warblers and many students I had never even met before telling me how amazing I sounded. This provided a confidence boost for me and led me to audition to be the official lead singer of the Warblers for the rest of the year._

_I got the spot and most all of the group was happy for me, saying how great my voice was and how we're going to dominate at Sectionals this year. Everyone, that is, but Nick and Jeff._

My entire body had tensed when Blaine spoke of the performance in the common room, beyond thankful that he hadn't brought me up, and was finally beginning to return to as relaxed I could be considering the circumstances when Blaine said the last sentence. I hated that things always had to take a turn for the worst. As if on cue, a dark grey cloud began to move in from my peripheral vision as a result of the wind picking up. I took a deep breath in, feeling a storm coming on. Unseasonable for the time of year but not unrealistic.

_Nick had unfortunately also tried out for the lead soloist position, unlike in the case of the impromptu performance. Jeff, having known Nick much longer than he'd known me, had stuck to helping Nick prepare. We all helped each other out, but it was clear that Jeff had sided with Nick and there was always a bit of tension when the Warblers were brought up in our conversations._

_When the announcement was made and I began receiving the congratulatory high fives and pats on the back, I began searching the room for Nick and Jeff. I spotted them at the end of a couch talking amongst themselves. I walked over to them, extending my hand to Nick as I told him how amazing he had sounded and how he had deserved it just as much as I had. What I received though was a stiff handshake and a forced smile from the boy I had just been laughing with not thirty minutes ago over the stupidest of things._

_The gesture hit me like a slap in the face and for the next week, I made sure to never bring up the audition or the Warblers at all around either of them. It didn't erase all the awkwardness between us and I could tell the grudge against me for beating him was still there. I didn't say anything about it for a while but by two weeks after the announcement, I knew I couldn't let it go any longer._

_We were lying around in Nick and Jeff's dorm, debating the quality of the new Katy Perry single, when I suddenly blurted out what I'd been wanting to say for two weeks._

"_Why are you mad at me for getting the spot as lead soloist?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth, Nick and Jeff stopped talking immediately, all signs of joking having left their faces._

"_Who said I was?" Nick asked, an accusive tone to his voice. I was immediately taken aback._

"_It's just… you guys haven't been completely… like yourselves…" I struggled to find the right words without sounding any worse than I apparently already did._

"_Just… Let's not okay?" Jeff spoke up suddenly._

_At that, I felt the annoyance and anger that always came about when my father had told me I wasn't allowed to talk around the house anymore. When he made it perfectly clear without even having to say it that Cooper and I weren't allowed to talk about things that would make us seem like we weren't his "perfect children" while he was home. Cooper seemed to get away with that one most of the time, but never me. I was sick and tired of being told what I could and couldn't say. So I exploded._

As the sky grew darker, I stayed put, watching the pink tinted sky disappear to increasingly dark clouds. I heard a rumble of thunder echo in the distance. I'd always loved thunderstorms. My dad and I would watch them from our couch in the living room out the large, multi-paneled window. Blaine had always hated thunderstorms, so whenever we were together during a storm, he'd flinch every time there was a bolt of lightning or rumble of thunder and I'd pull him as close to me as I could, letting him nuzzle his face into the crook of my neck.

"_It's not my fault you didn't get the soloist position Nick," I told him as assertively as I could, ignoring Jeff's and my own discretion that had told me not to speak of this. "You two groomed me to be a Warbler, helped me audition for the solo back in the common room. Now you get mad when I get this?"_

"_You don't understand do you?" Nick said, shaking his head and looking out the window next to where he was sitting._

"_Try me."_

"_I've been trying to get a solo in the Warblers since I joined at the beginning of freshman year. Most clubs don't even let freshman or other underclassmen even audition for something like a solo, but the Warblers are different. When I joined, Wes and David told me how great of a voice I had and how I definitely had soloist potential." I could hear Nick getting choked up just talking about this, but I was too angry to be effected. "I've been training ever since, auditioning for ever solo I could. But every year, the main soloist position or miscellaneous other solos are given to upperclassmen or some underclassman that's just joined for one reason or another. I just… it's not fair to those of us who have been working for over a year for this."_

"_Why didn't you tell me this before you both set me up to keep auditioning for things?" I asked. "If you would have told me what you just told me now, I wouldn't have auditioned for the soloist spot. I just joined; I don't need to rush to be lead soloist this year."_

"_Well it's too late to say what we should have done, isn't it?" Nick said sardonically. He turned back to Jeff and continued their previous conversation, neither of them looking my way._

"_So this is how it's going to be now?" I stood up, looking at them both. "We're going to end this friendship over a dumb solo?" I stayed put, staring them both down and waiting for them to contradict what I'd just said. They both just sat there, silent._

"_Fine," I said, "then I guess I'm done here." I walked to the door, opening it and looking at Nick and Jeff once more, giving them yet another opportunity to speak up. They had already returned to their conversation and I fought back tears until the door was closed behind me and I had sprinted to my dorm._

I sat still, unable to believe that Nick and Jeff would do such a thing. Blaine had never spoke of this before, had he? Hadn't he always participated in our interventions to get Nick and Jeff together? The more I thought about it, the harder it was to find a point where Blaine had done anything at said interventions other than sit there next to me and daydream. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed this before.

_I didn't speak to Nick or Jeff for a few weeks after that. I had begun growing close to Wes and David through the Warblers, among others, and I began to not ache for Nick and Jeff's presence anymore. Around two weeks after the confrontation, I was told I was to move into a two person dorm where I would be rooming with a new senior, Thad Harwood. I was hesitant at first, but after a day or two, Thad and I became what would be increasingly close friends as time went on. I even convinced him to join the Warblers and he eventually achieved what we'd all thought wasn't possible: become a member of the council after the start of the year and as a new student, no less._

_But I never had the same kind of relationship with you ever again, Nick. I can't say we didn't grow to be civil around one another, but we were never close again. And that's something that really hit hard because I let down all barriers when you pulled me into the lounge that day. I had been an insecure and guarded kid who didn't know how to let anyone in. You managed to help me transform myself into someone who could open up to others and give people a chance and then you turned around and stabbed me in the back._

_My first real and sincere friend. It hurt Nick. It really did. Those glares I know you sent my way in rehearsal. The cold shoulder I received from the one I thought would always be there for me. You didn't know what it did to me._

_But now you do. And now, knowing the kind of thing it helped lead to, was it worth it? Was all your hard work worth losing me as a friend and later, causing me to take my own life? I hope it was Nick. Because you were extremely talented. You really were. So I hope for your sake that these tapes don't get into the wrong hands and lead to bad things for you. I hope that someday, your talent is recognized like it should be._

_Because when I transferred the following year, I was really rooting for you to get that soloist spot. And that's more than you can say for me._

**[]**

The tape fell silent and I sat up, opening the machine and removing the cartridge. The sky was now completely covered in dark grey clouds as I inserted the new tape. I considered leaving as another round of thunder rang overhead, this time louder and noticeably closer, but I just laid back down and pressed play.


	5. Cassette Three, Side A

**The 'verse in which this takes place:**

**Setting is the fall of Kurt's senior year, late September. Blaine died at the end of August. Blaine transferred right after Regionals with Kurt the previous year. New Directions went on to win Nationals that year. Because of the transfer, Blaine moved in with a family friend who was more accepting than his parents and lived in the Lima area. All is canon before Regionals but Blaine's struggles and events after Regionals aren't canon.**

* * *

As soon as I pressed play, I noticed the first sounds I heard weren't Blaine's voice. Well, it appeared to be Blaine's voice but not speaking to me. A poor recording of said voice. I strained to recognize it what was being said until it came to an abrupt halt. Blaine's real voice quickly replaced it.

**#**

_So I'm not entirely sure how that came out, since I was holding this little recorder thingy to a stereo speaker, but I'm hoping you got the gist of it. That was a recording, generously loaned to me by a friend, of my last competitive performance as a Warbler. "Raise Your Glass" at Regionals my sophomore year to be exact. We lost, unfortunately, but that whole set list for that competition was a lot of fun for me. But again, getting ahead of myself. I'll get into that more later._

I had no idea where this was going as a bolt of lightning lit up the rapidly darkening sky. I had a twisted feeling in my stomach as reality hit that, once again, this could be me. The whole Regionals performance was a lot of fun for me as well. This could be my tape.

_But this tape isn't about that day, or Dalton at all to be honest. It's about McKinley. Yes, we're making a dramatic change of scenery here. This one starts at McKinley. And those I came in contact with while I was there._

Still a possibility, but we hadn't met at McKinley. So I was pretty sure I was safe. A loud clap of thunder echoed even closer than before.

_Mr. Schuester. This tape's for you. And, as this is just a guess, you're probably very confused. I'd say one of the most confused out of all of you. I assume you're wondering what you possibly could have done. You welcomed me into the club, made me feel as though I was a part of this group I had been, simply put, thrown into. You did nothing wrong._

_But that's what you think. And although we are great minds, this time we don't think alike._

I thought back. Blaine had transferred right after that performance at Regionals. He helped us win at Nationals that year as well, a feat that we never thought was a possible. Blaine had even gotten a solo and some decent lines throughout all the numbers. He did great and Mr. Schue always let him have solos for practice numbers during the year as well. So why would Blaine have put him on this list?

_After the idea of transferring was planted in my head, I began filling out paperwork and when that was completed, I immediately went to McKinley and requested a meeting with the choir director there, Mr. William Schuester. I wasn't nervous or concerned that they would deny me entry in the group. I just didn't want to suddenly show up to a rehearsal one day._

_I was led to a classroom down the hall from the principal's office, which was where I'd been ushered into upon arriving to the school. There were posters with Spanish phrases on them and Spanish decorations and props decorating the room. I saw a man sitting at the desk located front and center in the room and assumed it was Mr. Schuester. Hesitantly, I approached the desk._

"_Mr. Schuester?" I asked quietly, so not to scare or disturb him if he had been in the middle of something important. When he looked up, a warm smile spread across his face._

"_Blaine Anderson, right?" he asked and I nodded. I assumed someone had told him about me transferring and that's why he wasn't surprised to see me._

Me. I'd done it. But he hadn't called me out on it. He knew exactly who it had been, but he still hadn't said my name. Something I was very glad about, but I also just wished he would say my name and that I would find out which tape is mine or something. I was sick of the suspense, it was killing me. The next round of thunder and lightning brought a slow drizzle with it. I leaned back again, putting the machine in my bag so it wouldn't get wet.

"_One of my students told me you were considering transferring to McKinley?" He looked back down at the paper he was grading and began scribbling away again, tainting the white paper with his red pen._

"_Yeah."_

"_Any particular reason?"_

"_M-My old school wasn't… working out for me," I lied. He seemed to buy it, obviously not being told that I was currently attending one of the most prestigious private schools in Ohio. Or that I was currently living three hours away from Lima, something that would soon be fixed._

"_Well, we'd love to have you in Glee Club and I assure you that everyone's very welcoming. They'll help you get settled if need be." I nodded, glad that he didn't seem to mind letting me join mid-year._

"_Thank you so much. I just wanted to be sure that you didn't mind me coming in in the middle of the year like this while you guys are preparing for Nationals."_

"_Oh, that's no problem. We always love new members and after hearing your performance at Regionals, you'll be nothing but a benefit to our team." Mr. Schue smiled again and I grinned half-heartedly._

"_Well, I have to get going. Thank you again," I said as I slowly began making my way out of the room._

"_See you soon," he replied and turned back to his stack of papers as I slipped out the door._

The rain was coming down harder and I considered leaving to find a new location that provided an escape from the rain. I looked at my attire, noticing that none of it was anything that would be damaged if gotten wet or dirty, so I stayed put at Blaine's soothing voice continued.

_Now, any of you who were at McKinley with me know that Mr. Schue liked to let me sing solos, duets and so forth. He didn't take the fact that he thought I'd be "nothing but a benefit to the team" lightly. Many of you would never dare speak badly of such an honor. That would have been the dream of every one of you. But ever since my fall out with Nick and Jeff, I was terrified of receiving too much glory, praise, recognition, anything of the sort. Terrified that people would hate me if I hogged the spotlight, even by accident. And that did happen, but, once again, we'll talk about that later._

I knew exactly who he was talking about, but I didn't dare think his name. I didn't want to jinx anything and bring others into this. I shuddered as another flash of lightning and clap of thunder danced through the sky and shook the trees.

_Considering I wasn't one to cause issues of confrontations that I could control, I simply went along with it and was honored that Mr. Schue would want to give me so many opportunities to shine, especially since I was a sophomore and new to the club. I came to notice most of the solos had, in the past, gone to a few juniors and one or two sophomores, so I was shocked that my transfer had changed that._

_My first opportunity to sing in front of my new Glee Club was my "initiation" performance. I was informed by a few members of the New Directions that most all members, as they joined the club, sang a solo of some sort in front of the group. It wasn't required, but almost a tradition. I didn't want to be the one to not follow tradition, so I found a song and talked to Mr. Schue the day before I was planning on performing to let him know my plans._

"_That sounds great Blaine," he said after everyone had left the choir room following a rehearsal. "Can I ask what song you were thinking of?"_

""_I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz," I answered. "I've been a huge Jason Mraz fan for as long as I can remember."_

"_That's a great pick," Mr. Schue commented. "It suits your voice well."_

_I smiled but didn't say anything. I was about to walk out when Mr. Schue stopped shuffling through sheet music from a folder and turned to look at me. "Hey Blaine?"_

_I spun around and looked at Mr. Schuester. I tried to read his expression, but it showed no emotion or hint of what he was going to say._

"_I was wondering if you would be interested in singing a solo at Nationals in New York." He walked closer to me, stopping and leaning one arm against the piano. "I know you're new to the group and I understand if you don't want to just yet, but I think you'd do amazing opposite Rachel's voice or even on your own."_

_I was shocked. This was the exact opposite of what I'd expected him to say, although I hadn't really known what I was expecting him to say. He took my silence as a cue to continue._

"_I haven't decided anything for sure yet, but considering this is our first year even heading to Nationals, I thought I'd start planning early so we'd have plenty of time to prepare. After I talked to you before you transferred, I felt you would be fit to be a soloist, since I knew you definitely had the potential."_

I never knew this part of the conversation had happened. Blaine had told me that he was hanging back to talk to Mr. Schue about his performance and I had gone to my locker with Mercedes that day before meeting him back at his locker later. He hadn't told me that Mr. Schue had talked to him about having a solo at Nationals.

"_That's… That's very kind of you and I appreciate the compliment, but I don't know if I should be the one to have a solo," I said as soon as I regained my bearings. "There are so many other people in the group that have been in the club longer than me and have been waiting for this opportunity. I would feel as if I was intruding to have the position."_

_Secretly, I was just afraid that the same thing that had happened with Nick and Jeff would happen again. History had tended to repeat itself and I had no doubt that this situation would be no different from the last._

"_Blaine, if I felt that anyone would be angry with you, then I wouldn't put you in that position." That was a lie. I had already seen the dirty looks from a few members at my first rehearsal just three days prior. "This is a good group of kids. They may let their emotions get the best of them sometimes, but in the long run, they would never take anything out on you for a decision I made."_

_There was still a part of me that didn't quite believe that that would be the way it would turn out. I didn't want to be rude my first week in the group to the teacher though, so I just nodded and told him how honored I was and that I would love to be considered._

_Boy did that backfire on me._

I suddenly had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach as Blaine said this. I could give the list of people who had gotten angry about this decision when it had been announced and I felt like I was going to throw up, admitting I was one of them. That was the event that led to Blaine's and my first fight. I was mad that after being in the group from the beginning, I still wasn't given a solo or even more than a line if lucky. I had been sick of being constantly in the background and I had taken it out on him. After hearing what he'd just said, I'd never regret anything more.

_My first solo in front of my new Glee Club went well the next day in the sense that I didn't forget the tune or the words, the band did fantastic and no catastrophic events occurred. But some of the other members of the group didn't think it went well. Well, they thought it went well I guess, but not for them personally._

"_Oh great, now I'm never gonna be more than the random chick who belts out the end notes," Mercedes groaned, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms across his chest._

"_And I'm never going to even have a chance of singing the male lead once in a while," Puck added, sending a glare in my direction._

"_Does this mean I'm not the male lead anymore?" Finn spoke up, looking to Mr. Schue. Most of the other members of the group chimed in with their own string of complaints, most of them revolving around the fact that they thought they would get to sing even less that they already did._

"_I for one think Blaine did fantastic and would be the perfect complement to my superior voice," Rachel piped up, earning a death glare from virtually every member of the New Directions._

"_Guys, guys, let's just relax, okay? All of you have amazing voices and will have your time to shine when the time is right. For now, let's focus on Nationals." This caused a cheer to erupt from the group and I took this opportunity to slip back into my seat unnoticed._

I remember feeling horrible at the way everyone had been treating Blaine, but I hadn't said anything. I'd had no idea that this event had had so much of an effect on him. The rain picked up to a steady downpour and I shivered at the drops soaked through my layers of clothing.

_From that point forward, I tried to stay as far out of the spotlight in Glee Club as I could. The entire group already didn't like me and I was living in a practically constant state of fear. I'd managed to keep attention away from myself until Mr. Schue made the big announcement a few weeks later._

_It was mid-week and the weather was beginning to hint at becoming warmer. The atmosphere around McKinley had turned slightly happier and everyone in New Directions was no exception. At rehearsal, Mr. Schue had us sit for a second before he let us break off to work on that week's assignment._

"_Guys, I have some exciting news," Mr. Schue said and everyone began chatting anxiously amongst themselves. I smiled and observed, catching bits and pieces of different conversations._

"_I've decided," he started, speaking loud enough to get everyone's attention again, "who will be our soloists at Nationals this year. I have some song ideas for each performance as well." He grinned as the group cheered._

"_We're not going to be doing disco or anything ancient like that, are we?" Santana asked, a bored expression on her face. "Just because it worked for your Glee Club doesn't mean it'll work for us. And frankly, I refuse to sing something so repulsive."_

"_No Santana, we're not doing disco," Mr. Schue said calmly. "They're purely ideas, but in the end, it'll be up to you all what songs are done." He cleared his throat and looked at a sheet of paper he'd picked up when Santana had been talking. "In no particular order, we have a Finn and Rachel duet with the rest of you singing back up, a group number where you'll each have various lines throughout and then Blaine is going to have a solo while the rest of you, once again, singing back up. But back up is just as important to a performance as the lead, so don't feel inferior."_

_My jaw dropped and I could feel everyone's eyes on me, clearly as shocked as I was._

"_Wait, hold up." Santana was the first to speak. "I've been in this group for how long and instead of me, hobbit over there gets a solo? How is this fair at all?"_

"_I agree," Mercedes said, reaching her hand behind her to high-five Santana. "This is absolutely ridiculous."_

"_Second year in a row I haven't gotten a solo," Tina mumbled and I saw Mike take her hand._

"_The Puck Man has got to shine Mr. Schue. How can that happen when he can't even sing a solo?" Puck exclaimed._

_I sat there as Mr. Schuester tried to calm everyone down and explain that everyone was talented and he was just trying to accent our strong suits. This just made everyone angrier and he eventually gave up, sat on the piano bench and rubbed his temples._

I remember that day. I never admitted it and didn't speak up when it was actually happening, but I was mildly angry at the soloists like everyone else. More at Rachel and Finn for having yet another duet, but a little at Blaine as well. After listening to the last tape, I was able to pinpoint my feelings to ones very similar to Nick's, but less intense and never voiced out loud.

_Now Mr. Schue, I didn't want that solo. I didn't need it. I was a year younger than half the people in the group and had plenty of time to have solos if you felt I was ready. I had tried my hardest to blend in, but all that had come crashing down when you gave me the solo. Why couldn't someone else have the spot? Puck had an amazing voice, as did Tina, Mercedes, Santana, Artie… everyone actually. Everyone in the group deserved it more than me and I would have happily given it to any of them. Anything to prevent them from being mad at me._

_I went up to you after rehearsal Mr. Schue. I told you that I was honored and grateful at the opportunity, but it should go to someone who had been in the group longer than me. Someone that has been waiting for that moment to shine for over a year now._

"_Blaine, that's very sweet of you, but I picked you for a reason. I considered everyone in the group and they're all very talented. But I feel that you propose the best chance of us winning if you had the solo. You have something about your voice and a stage presence that most others in the group don't have that could be a real advantage for us."_

_I stood there, shocked, before practically breaking down and falling to my knees. "Please Mr. Schue, I can't have all of them mad at me. They all hate me for this and I just want to blend in, be a part of the background. Please, just let someone else have the solo."_

_I could see concern written on his face as he considered my plea. "Blaine, I'm sorry that they're giving you a hard time, but they'll come around. I promise. When you lead us to a National championship, they'll regret ever having said anything."_

_I went along with it because I didn't want to sound rude or ungrateful, but I knew that what Mr. Schue had said would never happen. I knew too much about the New Directions and how they worked. It would always be Finn and Rachel who got the solos, with the occasional appearance from a select few others. And I was now apparently part of this vicious cycle and I couldn't escape it._

Blaine had never told me anything about how he didn't want the solo_. _I had never heard a word about the situation, neither good nor bad. I had never really thought about the lack of excited-ness on his part until now, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I never heard a word about it unless I started it. Even if I did bring it up, he would always do his best to swiftly change the subject.

I pulled off my jacket and rung out as much of the water it had absorbed as I could. My shirt was just as wet, but I tried to ignore it as Blaine continued.

_The months leading up to Nationals were a whirlwind. Most of our rehearsal time was spent on the group number, since everyone would be singing a line apiece and rotating throughout the song. Choreography was arranged for Finn and Rachel's duet and was practiced frequently as well. It wasn't until a month or so before the competition that an emphasis was put on my solo. It was decided that everyone would be paired up and there'd be dancing going on around me as I sang "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi. This took a lot more work than expected and we all became nervous as we were still having issues perfecting it two weeks before we had to get on the plane to New York._

_It all worked out in the end though. We went to New York and came in first place, much to all of our delight. Everyone was on top of the world until the week after we got back._

_I decided to sing a song to the group the day we came back as a thank you for welcoming me into the club halfway through the year. My song was "Thank You for Being a Friend" by Andrew Gold and yes, I'm a huge fan of _Golden Girls_._

_Golden Girls _was another thing that Blaine and I would marathon at every chance we had. My mom had watched my first episode with me and we watched together every weekend until I'd seen every episode that had been made. Blaine had never seen it before when I'd met him, so I started showing him episodes every weekend, the same way my mom had with me. He fell in love with it quickly and we always called it our show, just like _Mean Girls_ was our movie.

_I made it as simple as possible, sitting on a stool in front of the group and singing to let them know that what they had done meant a lot to me, even though we all weren't always on the best of terms. I was greeted with a group hug from everyone and I could tell some of the bitterness from the Nationals performances had dissipated and was filled with the joy from our victory._

_Everything was going great until you spoke up, Mr. Schue._

_We were in the midst of our group hug and talking about Nationals when Mr. Schue started talking._

"_Blaine, that was amazing! See guys, this is the guy who won us our first Nationals competition!" As soon as the words were out of your mouth, I saw everyone in the room tense up and back away from the hug. I began blushing furiously and ducked my head down, rubbing the back of my neck as a horribly awkward silence filled the room. I heard a few mumbles along the lines of, "Of course he did" before everyone headed back to their seats, leaving me alone in front and Mr. Schue staring at all of us, confused as to what was wrong with what he had said. I quickly excused myself, grabbed my bag and ran out of the room._

I remember watching Blaine run out of the room and being too much of a coward to go after him. Later that day, I texted him and offering him an ear to listen to whatever was wrong, but he had politely declined before quickly changing the subject.

_Now Mr. Schue, I know you didn't mean that last comment like it came across. I also know you didn't mean for all of this to happen. You just wanted to do what you thought was best: put the person you felt was a strong performer and have them lead you to a Nationals victory. And that's what you did. But you put the wrong performer front and center. Every other person in the group deserved it just as much, if not more. Especially those who didn't typically have the honor._

_Mercedes had a voice like no one I'd ever heard. She could hit notes I didn't know existed and hit them with such precision and power, the judges wouldn't have known what hit them._

_Puck is the opposite of who you'd expect to be in a Glee Club. He had such a good voice and an element of surprise with the mohawk and tough demeanor. You would have had the judges surprised and captivated._

_Santana has such attitude and is an all-around fierce person. Her voice may not be as powerful as, say, Mercedes' or Rachel's, but it's just as good. She could have worked the stage so well, the judges would have had no choice but to award us first place._

_And I could go on and on for every single one of the other members of this group. But I think you get the point. Now, I hope this serves as a little bit of a reminder of how much talent the New Directions have and how it's not just the Rachel and Finn Show._

I was confused when the tape went silent for a few seconds. Was that how Blaine was ending this tape? I thought he always wrapped up by saying how the person affected him or how that person's actions led to his death. Suddenly, his voice was back.

_But that's not what these tapes are about. You all know what these tapes are about by now. Now Mr. Schue, your actions weren't a direct cause of this final decision, more of an indirect cause. You were trying to help me grow as a performer, give me chances to shine. And I'll be eternally grateful for that. But you gave the weakest and most pathetic person in the group these moments and I didn't deserve them._

_You generosity caused me to think less of myself because of my group members' jealousy. They lashed out and made me feel unwanted in their lives. A feeling I'd grown all-too used to. _

_I felt like that even in a new school where none of these people knew virtually anything about me, they couldn't even give me a chance. They couldn't give me a chance to feel wanted, or important, or part of something special. And that was all because of your misjudgment. Your mistakes._

_Now I'm sorry if this sounds really whiny and childish. But these are my last few days. Let me be honest with you all and myself while I still can. And this is how I felt. How it really was. And none of you knew it._

_Mr. Schuester, I hope you go on to do great things. I hope you continue to believe in your students like you always have and lead them to another National championship this year. But make sure you distribute the opportunities to shine. You never know how it'll affect each and every one of those kids. Maybe not until it's too late. And by then, there'll be nothing left for you to do._

**[]**

The moment the tape stopped playing, a lightning bolt lit up the sky so bright, it seemed like it was midday and thunder immediately followed. I stood up, deciding to seek shelter as I picked up my bag. I opened the flap of the bag, opened the machine's cover and turned over the tape, careful to not get either item or any of the other tapes wet in the process. I pressed play as I walked out of the forested area and onto the sidewalk.


	6. Cassette Three, Side B

**Trigger warning: Some talks of self-harm. If that's a trigger for you, then no offense will be taken if you skip this chapter.**

* * *

I had no idea where I was going as the new tape started. When Blaine's voice actually came out of the speakers, I found it harder and harder to concentrate on anything but the surprisingly melodious sound.

**#**

_All right! Over a quarter of the way through the stories. I don't know what percentage that is. Too much math. And yes, I know I'm in advanced math, but that doesn't mean I feel like doing it on my summer vacation._

_Anyway, I feel I've done a darn good job of keeping these things in a progressive order up to this point. This one is no exception. The person is from McKinley as well, someone who liked to… be brutally honest about what they thought of me while I went there. Maybe you know who you are? I have a feeling you knew what you were on the list for when you heard the first tape. But I'll tell you anyway._

_Finn Hudson? Are you listening? I assume you are, or else something has gone horribly wrong for someone. But I don't see you as someone who would try to break the chain Finn. So I have a feeling you're one of the twelve listening._

This one was a no brainer. I knew exactly what Blaine was going to say about Finn. I'd heard the whole story, both sides of it actually. I was just anxious over the fact of how easily my name could pop up on this tape.

I rounded the corner heading towards the more populated 'downtown' area of Lima, for lack of a better word. The place where most all of the stores and restaurants were. I figured I could find somewhere there to hide out for a while. The rain picked up, if that was even possible, and I shivered.

_Now, please take no offense to this, but you were always a little… oblivious? I think that's the word I want. You tended to be quite oblivious, which is the only explanation for why you could possibly not know what you are on this list for. But my job is here to remind you what happened and how it led to this._

_The first time I ever met you was when I came over to your house with your brother. You didn't really pay much attention to me, just went about your business and mumbled an incoherent greeting at your brother's request. I never felt the need to draw any attention to myself, so I just stayed away from you at your house, talking to you only when it was necessary._

A chill shot through my body when he said "your brother". I had no idea why he wouldn't say my name, but I knew that it was going to kill me, considering I could barely handle the obvious avoidance of my name.

_I never had the need to really talk to you, Finn, until I joined New Directions. The problems started that first day, after I had finished with my song. I mentioned in the last tape that you were concerned about your spot as the lead male soloist. I had no intention of being the new male lead, even if it had been offered to me. That would have gone against everything I believed in and everything I'd gone through up until that point. I wish I would have had the guts to say that to you when you and Puck approached me after rehearsal._

_I was walking out of the room as fast as my legs would carry me when Puck took my arm and pulled me out of the room and around the corner, backing me into some lockers._

"_Okay, so I'm going to try to be as nice as I can here," Puck started, crossing his arms over his chest. "But you can't expect us to just stand back and let you come in here and take over the club. I've been waiting for a long time for a solo and I'm not gonna let you waltz in here and take that away from me."_

"_I-I'm not trying to take your solo," I stuttered. "I just c-came here to spend more time with—"_

"_Yeah, I know," Finn spoke up. "I know you make my brother really happy and I don't want to ruin this for him. So I'm just going to say stay out of our way and don't try to act like you're the greatest thing going. Because you don't deserve this anymore than the rest of us."_

_I couldn't do anything other than nod as Finn and Puck looked at each other and walked away. I stood there, leaning against the lockers, until I summoned the strength to walk out of the building._

I couldn't believe Puck and Finn would do that to Blaine. I knew that Finn didn't particularly like Blaine and he had felt threatened by him, but I didn't think he'd ever confront him like that. Apparently I knew even less about all of this than I thought.

I stepped through the doors of the mall as quickly as possible, wringing out my clothes and attempting to fix my hair the best I could. I gave up after thirty seconds of playing with my soaking wet locks and failing pathetically and began wandering around. It was crowded, a lot of people walking around from store to store, some sitting on the benches and some actually shopping in the stores.

_This is the other half of the equation that led to me becoming mum in Glee Club. I didn't speak to anyone but one person unless spoken to, sang very softly as to not be accused to trying to overpower anyone and tried to steer clear of everyone. It worked until one day when Mr. Schue asked me to sing the solo for a song that he was testing out as a contender for Nationals._

"_I want Finn, Blaine, Mercedes, Puck and Santana to each sing the solo lines for this song so I can get a feel of what you all could potentially bring to the table with this number." Mr. Schue sat in an empty chair as he pointed to Finn. "Finn, you try it out first."_

_Finn did great, like usual, and after taking a seat, Mr. Schue pointed at me. "Blaine, your turn. Same part."_

_If my body wasn't about to implode on itself before, it certainly was when I heard the opening notes of the song. I dared to look at Finn, who was glaring at me with a practically evil expression on his face. I almost swallowed my Adam's apple trying to get rid of the lump in my throat before I began to sing._

_Now the song was one we never ended up doing at Nationals, but it was a song I'd been singing my entire life. "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. I tried my hardest to do as bad as possible, but it was practically impossible without making it seem like I was trying to do just that. By the time I finished, everyone was clapping for me and I was on the verge of tears. I turned to look at Finn and he was giving me the death stare and shaking his head. As I ran out of the room, the tears beginning to spill out of my eyes, I noticed him turn to Puck in my peripheral vision. I ran as fast as I could out the doors of the school and as far away as I could get._

I saw couples holding hands as they entered the various stores that were surrounding us. I passed store after store that I used to pull Blaine into against his will on our day-long shopping trips. He liked shopping, he told me, but not enough to spend a full day doing it. It usually took no less than a smile or an exaggerated pout to get him to come along and he always ended up getting something in the end too.

Of course, it always used to be a two-way street. He'd use the same tactics to get me to play some sport with him and a couple of the guys from Dalton who he'd still kept in touch with, usually football or basketball. I would typically stand around and drop anything that was thrown to me, but it made Blaine happy that I was there, so I was glad to comply.

_As soon as I stopped running, I was in some little forested area about a quarter of a mile away from the school. I sat on the ground and started to cry long and hard. I cried about Finn and Puck, more specifically you, Finn. I cried about the way my life was going. I cried because I was too much of a wimp to stand up for myself. I cried and cried and cried until I didn't think I had any tears left. By the time I started my walk back to school to get my car and head home, my eyes were red and puffy and I was praying I didn't see anyone I knew._

_Knowing my life though, we all can realize by now that it didn't work out like that._

"_You left," Finn said as I approached my car. He was alone this time and I couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or not._

_I just stood there, paralyzed with fear, regret and dread. He took a step closer._

"_You're so lucky you're dating my brother," he finally said. "Otherwise, it probably wouldn't be good for you."_

"_Why do you hate me?" I asked, surprised by the sound of my own voice. It looked as if Finn hadn't expected me to say anything either, because he just stood there and stared at me for a few moments before huffing and walking away to one of the only other cars in the lot. I watched him drive away before finally getting into my car and driving to my aunt's house. I holed myself up in my room and refused to talk to anyone for the rest of the night._

_It wasn't until later that night, after I knew everyone was asleep, that I decided to do something that changed my life forever._

I felt sick to my stomach as I took a seat on the nearest bench, putting my head in my hands. I couldn't believe I was listening to my late boyfriend talk to me through a pair of headphones about all the horrible things people did to him in his life. Why could I not stand to listen, but, at the same time, couldn't stop?

_I peeked out of my bedroom, happy to notice everyone was sleeping. I crept down the stairs and pulled one of the knives from the kitchen drawer. I ran with it back upstairs as quickly and quietly as possible and shut myself in my room again._

_I stared at that knife for a long time. Longer that I'd like to admit, trying to figure out what I wanted to do with it and what had driven me to this point in my life that I wanted to do something with it. Finally, I looked down at my bare forearms and back at the utensil and then, before I knew it, I quickly swiped it across the exposed skin. Because of how little pressure I'd applied, there were no marks, but I could feel a light tingle from where the knife had traced over the skin._

_I burst into tears then, muffling the sounds with my pillow so as not to wake up anyone else in the house. I cried until the early hours of the morning, until I finally stopped, looking back at the utensil that was still sitting next to me. I stared at it for a good five minutes until I finally picked it up and, just as quickly as I had the first time, let the knife glide over my forearm, this time with more pressure._

A sob practically exploded out of my body and I felt my whole body go numb. I bit down on my lip so hard, I could taste blood. I felt like I was about to throw up and I could tell people were beginning to look at me as I let out another sob, this one louder and more violent than the last.

_I grinned as I saw the first drops of dark, crimson blood drip out of the cut. I had never felt more empowered than I felt in that moment. I felt as though Finn and everyone else who had pushed me to this point had no control over me; I had control of what hurt me. No one else._

_I finally went to sleep a while later, applying pressure to the cuts and sticking the knife under my mattress to make sure no one would find it before laying my head on the pillow, happier than I'd felt in a long time._

I continued sitting on that bench and sobbing, watching the people pass me and stare at me, the pity evident in their eyes. I couldn't move until I felt a hand on my shoulder that jolted me out of my emotional breakdown.

_As soon as I woke up the next morning, I felt twice as bad as I had the previous day. I had thought that what I had done the previous night would make me feel better, but as I got out of bed and noticed the cuts on my arm, I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything in my stomach. I knelt in front of the toilet until the nausea subsided and heard the door open behind me. I turned to find my aunt standing at the door._

"_Oh, Blaine," she murmured, walking toward me and rubbing my back. "I'll help you back to bed. You're not going to school today." I didn't have the strength to argue and let her lead me back to bed._

_I don't remember a whole lot from that day. I know I spent a lot of it sleeping or just laying around, but whenever I was awake, I was so delirious, I couldn't comprehend anything that was going on around me. The only thing I remember was I spent a lot of time thinking about how much I didn't want to go back to school the next day._

I didn't acknowledge the person to whom the hand belonged to until I heard a familiar voice that didn't help the fact that I already felt on the brink of vomiting.

"You all right?" the voice asked. I refused to turn to look at the person.

"I don't want to talk to you."

_I considered faking sick the next morning as I pulled on the first long sleeve shirt I could find. I had a few more cuts than the previous morning to cover up and I figured with some bandages and a shirt with sleeves that covered the bandages up, I could get away with no one knowing. And I did. I used this method for over a week and not one person asked. Finn didn't say a word to me either, but I continued to stay on my toes, as I would still catch him sending me glares during rehearsal._

_The first time someone noticed my scars, I was actually at Finn's house. I used the excuse that my aunt's dog had scratched me and that one bought me more time than I ever thought it would with so many people. After I'd finished creating my fake story, Finn came into the room, sending the person I was with away politely before sitting in the desk chair that was located across from the bed on which I was sitting._

"_Hey Blaine," he said casually, scaring me twice as much as he would have if he had just started screaming at me. Now he had the control, the element of surprise._

_I vaguely remember stuttering out a hello in return, awkwardly fixing my shirt and wiping my sweaty palms on my pants._

"_You've been pretty quiet in glee lately," he continued. I stared at the wall behind him, pretending to be very interested in its pure white walls. "Any reason why?"_

"_I just… h-haven't had much to s-say."_

"_Is that so? Are you sure it isn't because you have… a secret?" My heart started beating a million miles an hour at this. I had no idea what he could possibly think he knew about me, but there were a lot of things about me that I had no desire for others to know. Like how screwed up I was._

**l l**

"That's a little harsh," he said as I paused the tape, knowing he wasn't going to be going away anytime soon. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"And since when do you care if I'm okay, Sebastian?" I asked, an almost aggressive tone to my voice. I turned to face him, still not used to seeing him without his Dalton uniform, which he seemed to live in. He had on a grey, V-neck sweater and dark wash jeans, his hair pushed up in the front in its usual style.

"Since you're sobbing quite loudly in the middle of a mall by yourself with a pair of headphones in your ears," he began and I blushed furiously. "Case in point, I just assumed."

"You know what they say about assuming," I retorted, instantly feeling what I could only identify as a twinge of regret.

Sebastian, to my slight surprise, chuckled lightly. "Yes, I have heard that one. Sorry then, I'll let you be."

He stood up, but, for some unknown reason, I grabbed his arm. "S-Sorry about that. I didn't mean to come off so rude when you just wanted to help."

"All's forgiven." Sebastian took his seat again. "So, back to the original question. Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I was just…" I trailed off, trying to come up with a legitimate excuse for why I was sobbing in the middle of a mall without telling him about the tapes. "Listening to some music. It's pretty sad." I wanted to slap myself for being so stupid as soon as the excuse came out of my mouth.

Sebastian looked at me curiously. "Is that so?"

"Yup."

"Are you sure it's not because you're listening to your boyfriend talk to you on cassette tapes?" My jaw practically dropped as he said this, but I tried my hardest to look confused.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, my voice already beginning to shake.

"I know you want to protect the tapes and stuff, but you don't have to play dumb with me. I know about them." A soft expression replaced Sebastian's usual smirk and the new look almost comforted me. I didn't know what to say to his confession, so I continued to sit there in silence, willing him to explain himself more. He did.

"I know you want to ask a million questions right now, but I don't want to disturb you much longer. I just know that I didn't handle listening to these well either." I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again as Sebastian laughed. "Yes, I know, I come off as this obnoxious, confident guy who thinks he can get everything he wants."

I nodded. "Pretty much."

"Well, I'm going to tell you something that I haven't told anyone else before." He leaned in closer and I stayed where I was, not sure what I wanted to do. "My dad, before he left my mom, was pretty abusive. Physically and emotionally. When it came to the emotional parts, I used to have to stand up for myself and pretend it didn't bother me. After years of it, I started acting like that all the time, acting like I never cared about anything or anyone. It helped with the bullies before I transferred to Dalton and I've never been anything but.

"These tapes though… they brought back that pain that I thought I was immune to by now. It was like I was practically reliving my childhood with my father. It wasn't completely the same, Blaine's story was much more tragic, but I could see the similarities. It hit home and I just… couldn't hold up the façade anymore."

He looked me in the eyes, one of the kindest looks I'd ever seen from him shining in his own. "Knowing Blaine, he made these to tell us what we did so we can make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. He was so selfless…" he trailed off and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes. "He didn't do this for revenge."

The tears were starting to fall again and I couldn't help but let out another sob. Sebastian saw this, a surprised and slightly scared look in his eyes before he leaned in and pulled me into an awkward hug. I instinctively wrapped my own arms around him and he turned around so he could wrap his arms completely around me. We sat there for a while, our arms around each other as I sobbed into his shoulder and he rubbed my back. I could hear his quiet cries as well and I hesitantly began to pat his back in return.

When we pulled apart, both of us were blushing and we looked away.

"Well, I-I'm going to let you…" Sebastian said, running a hand through his hair and retrieving his bag from the other side of the bench on which he'd originally sat down.

"Yeah, um," I stumbled over my words, not knowing what to say by this point. He nodded and stood up. "Wait, Sebastian."

He turned back to look at me. "Yeah?"

"So you're on these tapes too?" He nodded. "And so am I?" Another nod. "What does my tape say?"

"I can't tell you that. You've got to listen and hear it for yourself." Sebastian began to walk away this time before I called him back again. He looked at me, but didn't move any closer.

"Thank you," I murmured and I assume he could read my lips due to the fact that the white noise around us was too loud for him to have actually heard me.

"You're welcome," he mouthed back before walking away for real this time. I watched him wander off until he was just another body in the mass of people. I reached into my bag and unpaused the tape.

**l l**

"_N-No," I stuttered. I didn't plan on letting Finn scare me into telling him anything._

"_Look," he started and I can safely say I almost wet my pants. "I know about it. The bandages. The long sleeved shirts." He paused, looking me up and down and I felt exposed. "I know a dog didn't scratch you."_

"_You don't know anything," I practically growled. I don't know what possessed me to do that, to sound so confident for a moment, because I knew that at that time, I was anything but._

"_It's extremely obvious, actually," Finn continued. "I had a cousin once that cut. He used all the same tactics. It's so predictable, I'm shocked that no one else has realized it yet." He gestured over his shoulder with a hook of his thumb at the open door, where his brother had left no more than a minute or so ago. "Especially him."_

Looking back, I had no idea why I hadn't noticed either. I had been so in love with this man, someone I viewed as perfect, that I had been unable to see any of the hurt or brokenness in him.

I remembered clearly the first time I'd noticed the bandages. We had spent the night at my house due to a snow storm, me sleeping on the floor and letting Blaine sleep in my bed. I eventually ended up in the bed with him due to the cold and I fell asleep with his arm around me.

When I'd woken up the next morning, I had turned to lie on my back and noticed the bandages lining his arm, exposed because of his t-shirt. Upon questioning them, he had told me the story of his aunt's dog, which I know knew was a lie. The kiss that followed the story had been enough to make me forget everything that was going on around me except for Blaine's lips.

"_You can't tell him," I immediately said, fear taking over every part of my body. "The last thing I want is to hurt him."_

"_Well then, we have a bit of a problem, don't we?"_

_I was shocked. I knew Finn didn't like me, but was he really going where I thought he was going? "What are you saying?"_

"_I'm saying that I want something," he started, "and you have information that you don't want anyone to know…" He trailed off and I then knew exactly what he was talking about._

"_You wouldn't dare."_

"_Try me." He sat in the chair with such a confident demeanor and I couldn't help but wonder why it was taking Finn's brother so long to talk to his dad in their shop._

"_Finn," I started, my hands now shaking because of the fear that I was experiencing. "No one, and I repeat, no one, can know about this."_

"_And that's why I have a proposition for you. If you want me to keep your secret, you have to do something for me."_

"_W-What?"_

"_I want you to quit New Directions."_

My own jaw dropped after I heard this. How could Finn do something so horrible just because he wanted a stupid solo? I had never had a solo in a competition and I would never think to blackmail someone over something so personal. Finn got solos all the time and I couldn't fathom why he wanted this one this much.

"_Are you… are you serious?" I exclaimed. "You want me to quit?"_

"_It could have been worse," Finn said. "I'm not asking you to stay away from my brother. I'm not asking you to change schools. I'm not even asking you to stay out of this house. Just to leave glee club."_

"_Is this still because of the solos?" I questioned, tears beginning to form in my eyes. "Because I promised you I wouldn't take any!"_

"_We all see how Mr. Schue looks at you, Blaine. He thinks you're practically a god and as long as you're in the group, he'll continue to consider you for solos."_

"_Finn, I… I c-can't quit," I stuttered as the first tears fell from my eyes. "P-Please don't m-make me."_

"_It's either that or I tell your secret." He stood up and walked toward the door._

"_Wait!" I called. "There has to be something else I could do so you won't tell. Please."_

_Finn stood there for a moment, considering my plea. "Fine. If you don't want to quit, then I need it to be like you disappeared. You can't draw attention to yourself, you can't accept any solos. You have to go tell Mr. Schue that you refuse to take any solos and I need you to be as invisible as possible." He walked closer to the door, turning the knob and opening it, then turning back to look at me again. "I need to be as if you were never there."_

_Sounds familiar, doesn't it?_

_I don't remember much of what happened the rest of that day. I know I came up with some excuse as to why I was crying for Finn's brother when he came back upstairs and quickly went home. I know I cut more when I got home but I don't know when or with what. I was in a world I'd never known before, one filled with so much pain that I didn't know what to do with it all._

_Now Finn, you probably didn't know that what you said to me then would have that much effect on me. But being told again by someone that seemed to hate you so strongly for something you couldn't control that they wanted you out of their sight is heartbreaking. Being told by someone that they want all traces of you to disappear and to forget that you were ever there isn't something most people want to hear. It isn't something people want to have to deal with. And at that point, I'd heard it from two people in my life, two too many._

As I dried some of the tears from my eyes, I watched as the small food shops began to close up, turning off the lights in their little alcoves. I didn't have the energy to look at my watch to figure out what time it was. I had no intention of trying to leave anyway, so I couldn't find reason enough to do so.

I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid. I had noticed Blaine's constant desire to sit in the back and his lack of participation in rehearsals unless it was necessary. He had acted even more distant in rehearsals than he had before. I just never put two and two together and realized what had been going on between the two of the people I'd loved most.

Even when he'd told me about Finn, the only thing he'd said to me was that Finn had told him to stay on the down-low so he didn't take a solo away from the older members or he'd have to leave the group. He never told me the extent of the whole thing. And now I wished more than anything that I'd questioned the situation more.

_Now, this all took place before Mr. Schuester gave me the Nationals solo. I had talked to him before this, something I didn't mention in the last tape for fear of ruining this one, and asked him to not give me any solos. As soon as the Nationals songs were announced, I looked at Finn, a look of pure terror in my eyes. I received no acknowledgement in return._

_I did end up telling Finn's brother a much abbreviated version of this, most of what had happened up until that point, and we confronted him together after the announcement. He refused to let me get off without any kind of repercussion, so I ended up spending a lot of my time after that working at their shop and covering Finn's shifts, doing whatever I was told to do. I was relieved I was able to convince him not to tell everyone, but I still couldn't help but live in fear that any wrong move I made would cause him to tell everyone my secret._

_Now, the work in the shop was in addition to having to be invisible in glee club. I still never said a word. Only drew attention to myself when I had to practice my solo, which I did a lot of practicing for a home as to limit the amount of work to be done in rehearsals to prepare for it. It was horrible, being constantly terrified of speaking a little too much and having your deepest and darkest secret revealed to everyone. It led to me spending more time in my room with that knife most nights, something I'm still to this day not proud of. But when you're pushed to the edge, what else is there to do?_

_I don't know if you really know what you did to me Finn. It was like reliving what I left my house to get away from. Someone telling me I'm not wanted in a place where I should be welcomed. Telling me I have no right to be in that place. Constantly putting me down all the time. I already had one father, I didn't need someone taking the place of him._

_You're the only person who knew about my cutting. About my biggest secret. And ironically, it was all because of you that I did it in the first place. Did you know that, Finn? Did you know that, because you wanted a solo, I started to harm myself? Just so I could try to gain control of my pain. Of what hurt me. I was ashamed that I let you drive me to that point, but in retrospect, that was just the beginning. The first time I ever felt so ashamed of myself that I did something about it. And we all know what the final thing I did because I felt that way._

_I really hope you wanted a solo that much, Finn. I guarantee this year, you'll get one. Maybe even all of them. Because I won't be there to steal them from you guys, since that was obviously the main reason I transferred anyway. Maybe this isn't the way you wanted me gone, but you can't always have everything you want. You've got the solos. You've got the lead male position. And that seemed to be all you cared about. So you're happy now, right?_

**[]**

I sat there, watching the amount of people in the mall begin to dwindle and make their way towards the exits. More and more stores were shutting off their lights and closing up for the night. I willed myself to stand up, to change the tape and begin the next one, but I could only get myself to do the latter.

I summoned all the strength in my body to reach into my bag and find the cassette that had the number four on it and turned to the side with the 'A' written in slightly messy script. Taking out the other tape and replacing it with this new one, I continued sitting on the bench as I pressed play and waited for Blaine's voice.


	7. Cassette Four, Side A

**For the most part, the rest of the story will continue making references to self-harm. Mostly just a quick remark, nothing detailed, but this is the trigger warning. Anything detailed or graphic will be separately noted as needed.**

* * *

**#**

_In case you haven't noticed before, I liked to try to stay in the background wherever I was. Draw no attention to myself, even when it would have been better for everyone if I did so._

_So when I reached out to this next person for help with the thoughts I was having and the things I was doing, anyone who cared to pay attention to me, despite my efforts, would have known it was serious._

_So why was it that the person I reached out to, someone who was supposed to know me or at least care about me, couldn't have cared less to help me?_

Blaine voice filled my ears and I listened closely as more and more people began emptying out of the mall. I couldn't deny the fact that my heart starting beating faster when I heard what he was saying. I couldn't pinpoint a specific circumstance of this happening between us, him addressing the kind of problems he was having at the time, but that didn't make me any less anxious.

_Before I get started, I'd like to inform you all of how I met this person. Well, approximately seventeen years and nine months ago, we met for the first time. As I grew, they were always there for me and went to extenuating circumstances to make me who I am today._

_Well sort of._

_Oh well, I'll just tell you. The lucky person in this tape is... Linda Anderson._

_I have a feeling you all know who this is by now._

_Don't you think, Mom?_

Relief rushed through me and I was beginning to being accustomed to this feeling of pure terror, then relief. I really wish he would just make my tape so I can know what I did and listen to the rest of the stories without having to be on edge.

_Now, anyone who listened to the first story should have at least some kind of an idea of what kind of family we were. My mom was a stay-at-home mom for Cooper and I and my dad worked. When Cooper went away for school, my mom took a part time job working within my dad's company, but she still spent most of her time at home._

_She and I were very close. There was always "pairs" in my house: my dad and Cooper and then my mom and I. It was the way it always was, even before I began to come to terms with who I was. There was just something about my mom that drew me to her instead of my dad. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't care that, as I grew older, I'd rather bake with her than play baseball. Who knows?_

Blaine and I used to have cooking contests at least two weekends a month. We'd decide on the type of food we'd make and then we'd bring all the materials to my house and spend a day making the best food we could in that category. My dad would often be the judge of whose was better and, looking back on it, we always ended up pretty even in the end. We had actually planned a contest for the weekend after Blaine died. I wonder if he had remembered that one.

_Anyway, my mom was always the more accepting person in my house. After Cooper, of course. She actually had a gay cousin, but because of my father, we never saw him. I remember overhearing the conversation that ended the visiting of my cousin Jackson._

"_Oh honey, my parents asked if we could stop by sometime while Blaine and Cooper are off from school for the holidays. Apparently Jackson wants to introduce us to his new—"_

"_Is he the gay one?"_

_No response from my mother. I never knew if she was nodding or just didn't feel my dad's comment needed a response. We all had known who Jackson was._

"_I refuse to associate myself with someone like him. What he is is disgusting and degrading to mankind. I'm surprised your family even allows him into their home where he could contaminate it."_

"_But he's my cousin—"_

"_I don't care. I will not let you be in the presence of someone like him. You are never to see him again and the same applies for the boys. Understand?"_

_There was no response and this time, I assumed she was actually nodding._

_I always liked Jackson. My mom ended up bringing me to see him while my dad was on business trips. I always felt like I could relate to him and I think my mom could tell._

I remembered Jackson. He was one of the nicest people I'd ever met. He and his boyfriend at the time always made me feel like I was one of the family and they supported what Blaine and I had. At their commitment ceremony last year, they came up to me when I was alone and told me to hold onto Blaine because we were going to go the distance. They could see it and they didn't want Blaine's dad to get in the way of it.

As far as I could remember, that was the only time I heard someone mention Blaine's dad in a way that made it sound like he didn't approve of Blaine's life. Considering Blaine never spoke of the man and I had virtually no interaction with any other members of his family besides Jackson, I was taken off guard. I now was able to put all the pieces together and everything made that much more sense.

_Now, I would like to clear up one more thing before I continue with this tape. My mom was in no way homophobic. I'd even go on to say that she was closest with her cousin Jackson than anyone else in her family, who didn't approve of Jackson's "life choices" like my mom did. But we all knew who was homophobic and if he had anything to say about it, everyone he came in contact with would be as well._

_Yes Dad, if you're still listening, you know you brainwashed Mom into believing she didn't like gays. But you know what? You were the one who was fooled. You never succeeded in anything of the sort. She was just too afraid of you to stand up for herself._

_How's that for a hollow victory?_

I was scared half to death with I suddenly felt a tapping on my shoulder. I whipped my head around and saw a man in a uniform standing behind me. My heart started beating faster than I thought possible, yet I couldn't place why.

**l l**

"The mall's going to be closing in ten minutes sir," the man said as I paused the machine in my bag. I realized then that he was probably one of the mall security guards. "I'm going to have to ask you to make your way out of the complex."

"Oh…" Everything that had happened to me so far that day came and hit me in that moment. I was completely out of it. I had no desire to talk to this man and I was so emotionally drained from everything that had happened so far that day. I wanted to burst into tears again when I realized I wasn't even close to being done with the tapes and that it could only get worse from here. "I… I'll be g-going."

The man stared at me, his expression a mixture of sympathy, confusion and suspicion. He nodded, then turned and walked away, looking prepared to tell the couple making out on the bench across the aisle to leave as well. I picked up my bag and began my slow trot out of the mall, pressing the play button as I went.

**# **

_So back to the reason I'm making this tape. I had been cutting for about two weeks and, after that period of time, I realized I had no desire to stop. In that moment, I came to the realization that I wanted to get help. I didn't want to move back in with my parents, but I did want to feel better about myself. To be able to walk into school and not be self-conscious. I wanted to be able to stand up to my bullies and control my pain in a more positive way than harming myself._

_But I had a small problem. I had no idea how I wanted to do that._

_Yes, I could have gone to a psychiatrist, a professional that could have worked with me through my problems. But as most of you probably know, psychiatrists aren't cheap. And I knew I couldn't pay for it on my own. This meant that I would have had to tell my aunt and uncle and I couldn't stand the thought of putting them through that pain. So I decided to reach out to the one person who had always been there for me before._

_My mother._

The rain had subsided by the time I got outside, a light drizzle and wet streets the only remnants of the storm that had been raging earlier. I decided to take the long way home after realizing that I should probably make an appearance at my house for my dad's sake, but wanting to put it off as long as possible.

Drops of water fell onto my head as I passed by store after store as they were turning off their lights and closing up. I had no idea what time it was, but I just kept walking, my legs taking the steps involuntarily and leading me on a path that I figured would lead me home.

_I contemplated this decision for a long time. Whether or not it'd be worth it, whether she'd even speak to me and every other possible scenario. The idea of her actually talking to me, pulling me into one of her warm hugs and telling me everything would be okay, was such a long shot, but it pushed me over the edge and convinced me to go talk to her._

_I skipped school one day and took my car on the long drive back to Westerville, pulling into my driveway and shaking so much, I was surprised I could even park the car._

_I was whispering reassuring words to myself as I adjusted my sweatshirt and jeans, having decided it was best to keep my outfit as simple as possible. My hair was free of its gel and I had thrown on my old sneakers that had been collecting dust in my closet. Luckily I'd gotten out of the house before my aunt had been able to question my clothing choice._

_As I rang the doorbell, I heard the chime ring through the place I'd once called home. I suddenly had a sickening feeling in my stomach and I couldn't figure out why I'd thought this was a good idea. I stood there for over a minute and I couldn't help the pang of sadness and relief that hit me simultaneously. I turned and practically ran off the porch, only to hear the door slowly opening and a soft voice making its way to my ears._

"_Blaine?"_

I picked up my speed, breaking into a run as I followed block after block, street after street, through downtown. I needed something, craved to fill the emptiness that was taking over my body, but I wasn't able to place what was missing. So many emotions were coursing through my veins, infecting my every nerve, that I couldn't think straight. I just knew I needed to get somewhere fast. I just wish I also knew where that somewhere was.

_I stopped dead in my tracks. My hand was on the handle of my car and I slowly turned to see her. See you. My mother. Your hair was still dark and curly, your eyes still the same hazel brown that mine were. You had on an apron over one of your signature dresses that you wore almost every day when it was warm out. You were the woman who had practically raised me on your own. And you were standing on the porch._

"_M-Mom," I stuttered, taking a few steps away from my car and towards the house again. "H-Hi."_

_She stood there, stunned to see me. I could tell she was at a loss for words, but I couldn't tell if it was because she was happy to see me or not._

"_Can… Can I come in?"_

_Linda merely nodded slowly, a shocked look still on her face. I made the short walk to the porch steps, taking them one at a time and walking, as slow as I could, into the house. I wanted to allow her time to tell me to leave, or warn me that my father was home, but she didn't say a word._

_The smell of casserole hit me as soon as I stepped into the foyer. The reasoning behind the apron became clear as I slipped off my shoes, leaving them on the mat. I followed the scent to the kitchen, noticing none of the house had changed. The walls were the same colors, the hard wood floors still immaculately clean, the furniture still in the same place it'd been a month earlier. I turned around, noticing my mother standing behind me, looking extremely uncomfortable._

"_Would… W-Would you like t-to sit… down?" she stammered, tripping over her words as she clumsily motioned for me to lead the way to the living room. I nodded and made my way to the large living room, another room that hadn't changed. I took a seat on the couch and looked around, the only difference in the house hitting me like a freight train._

_Any photograph that had had me in it had been removed from the room. And as I thought back to the halls and kitchen, I realized it had been the same there too. I quickly stood and took off up the grand staircase. I approached the door to a room once I made it up the stairs, taking a deep breath and whipping it open._

_Empty. My old bedroom lay bare in front of me, the walls now a sterile white instead of the blue they'd been when I'd lived there and the carpet now replaced with the same hard wood that was in the kitchen and dining room. Every trace of anyone having ever been there was gone._

I had been running so fast, so blindly, that I didn't notice the tree root that was sticking out of the ground as crossed into a large, grassy area. My shoe caught and I fell, landing sprawled on my side on top of my bag. Blaine's voice never wavered and I couldn't find it in me to react to the screaming pain. It simply blended in with the other emotions I was trying to push back.

I had no desire to move, so I stayed in the uncomfortable position as Blaine's voice continued on.

_I made my way back down the stairs, coming face-to-face with my mother, who had probably wondered where I'd run off to. Probably not._

"_How. Could. You." I practically growled, the sadness I'd felt literally moments before evaporating. "How could you let him do this? Don't you still care about me at all?"_

_She didn't say a word._

"_Answer me!" I shouted, my voice escalating._

"_You know how it is around here," she murmured._

"_Yeah. You stand there like a coward and let Dad stomp all over you. Let him order you around and tell you what to think. I remember."_

"_Why did you come here," she said, the question coming out like a statement._

"_I came here," I said, rolling up the sleeves of my sweatshirt, "to talk to you like the mature people we are. But obviously he's brainwashed you too much to even have a simple conversation anymore."_

_My mother said nothing. She stared at me, then farther down my body, then back up to my eyes. I couldn't figure out what she was staring at until I looked and noticed what I'd done. Something I hadn't done in over two weeks._

_Sweatshirt sleeves rolled up, my cuts were exposed and I instantly felt self-conscious all over again. The whole reason I'd come here, the whole reason I was in this mess, was out in the open. And even I knew my mom wasn't so ignorant as to not know what they were._

_The weird thing for me though, was that I couldn't find it in me to pull my sleeves back down. It was like I wanted her to see what they'd done to me. Wanted them to feel some kind of regret for what they'd contributed to._

"_There. You've seen it." I find the courage to speak up after multiple minutes of uncomfortable silence. "The reason I came here was… was because I can't take it anymore." I'd said it. And I felt like I wanted to throw up._

"_I—" she started, looking around frantically, obviously clueless as to what to say at a moment like this. "I, uh—"_

"_I know you don't care," I said, everything I'd been through in the past year coming back to me and hitting me full-force. "I know that coming here was pointless. But I felt like no one else could help me. I…" I didn't realize the tears were streaming down my face until my mom's face went completely pale. "I need help. I'm doing this and I can't stop. I can't believe I'm just coming out and saying this but…" I trailed off, looking at my scars._

_Linda continued to stand there, a blank expression now on her face. She didn't say a word and the more I looked at her, the more scared I became. All the anger had evaporated and pure terror took over. She wasn't going to do anything. She'd found out my deepest, darkest secret, she'd heard my confession, yet she wasn't going to do a thing about it._

I tried to roll over, but it ended up being more of a strange looking roll as I managed to move on to my back. I pulled the strap of my bag until it popped out from underneath me and I laid it beside my unmoving body. I didn't feel the tears start to escape from my eyes, didn't feel the leaf land on me, its crisp color standing out in the dimly-lit field. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't. And I didn't know if I'd ever learn how to again.

"_I see how it's become." I pulled my sleeves down again and walked back in the direction I'd come. "He's not just brainwashing you anymore. This is actually who you are now." I turned, walking straight to the front door and pulling my feet haphazardly into my sneakers._

"_I thought I could count on you to be on my side," I continued, hand poised on the doorknob. "But apparently not." Without another word from either of us, I walked out the door, not bothering to look back at the woman who I was supposed to call "Mom", the one who was supposed to love me unconditionally and do anything for my well-being._

_I'd love to someday meet the person who decided the roles of family and friends in people's lives. Because I need to know why other people get these happy endings but I can't seem to catch a break._

_I drove recklessly back to my aunt's house. No one was home, considering it was the middle of the day, and I had no desire to go to school. I ran upstairs and found comfort with my kitchen knife, pretending to work on homework when I heard my uncle arrive home. I pretended as though nothing was wrong at dinner as my younger cousin rambled on about her day in third grade. I tried to muster up the energy to care, to pay attention to her story, but I couldn't. The damage had been done._

Ignoring the searing pain as I began to move, I sat up and looked around carefully. No one was around, except for a squirrel standing by a tree across the field. I had no idea where I was, but as I stood up, I contemplated calling my dad and telling him that I was going to be staying at Rachel's for the night, just so I wouldn't have to walk home. I decided against it when I felt the smallest pang of guilt hit me. I had lied to my dad enough today, and I assumed I would be doing more of it in the future because of these tapes. I didn't want to create anymore suspicion.

_Nothing hurt me more throughout my downward spiral than that day, Mom. I really had built my hopes up as I drove to Westerville, telling myself that you'd find it in you to be the woman I'd always knew you were when Dad wasn't around. But you let me down. Again. You turned your back on your son because of all the lies your husband had been feeding you for years._

_Did you know that what you did contributed to who I am now? Someone that's about to do one of the most drastic things a person could do? Partially because of you? Does that bring back any of the caring woman I grew up knowing? Do you even care?_

_I'm going to go to my grave believing that you were just too surprised by what I said to do anything. That I should have stuck around a little longer and you would have helped me like I thought you would. And I know you'll all be shaking your heads at me, saying how delusional I am, but I can't help it. It's who I am._

The tape went silent for a moment and I wondered if it was over. I reached to press the stop button when I heard Blaine's voice again, this time quieter than before.

_That was strike one. For all you baseball fans, you know you only get three strikes. And then you're out. I'd like to think I could have made it to three strikes, but sometimes things don't go as you plan. That I knew for sure._

**[]**

The tape went silent again and I waited to make sure there wasn't any more to the story. When a few minutes had passed and no further sounds came from the cassette, I forced myself to stand up. I looked around, the clouds seeming to have cleared and the rain having moved on. The sky was now perfectly clear, millions of tiny stars illuminating the sky and surrounding the moon that shined clear above my head. I began walking forward, not knowing where the path was going to lead me, but not caring in the least. I couldn't find it in me to care about much of anything anymore.


	8. Cassette Four, Side B

**For all intents and purposes, and for the sake of the plot, Blaine is in the same grade as Kurt in this story: going into his senior year. Blaine went to Dalton for his sophomore year and then transferred to McKinley for his junior year to be with Kurt, who'd transferred towards the end of the previous school year. Everything is simply pushed forward a school year from canon when it comes to Blaine in this 'verse. Also, the plot strays from canon a little in this chapter, especially when it comes to prom.**

* * *

I fished through my bag, looking for the cassette player so I could flip the tape to the other side. My hands were shaking as I pressed the button to open the slot, the reality of how many stories were left to be told beginning to hit. The smaller the amount of stories left, the larger the chance that this one, or the next one, or the one after that, was about me.

I took a deep breath and pressed the play button hesitantly as I continued walking down the empty sidewalk.

**#**

_This tape's going to be a little different from the others so far. For this one, I thought I'd lighten the mood a little and talk about someone who decided to help me when the rest of the world decided to hate me._

_Wesley Montgomery. One of the best friends I've ever had._

I was mildly disappointed, after how Blaine had begun the tape, that this wasn't my story. It's not as if I wanted it to be about me, per se, but it would have been comforting to not be on a tape because of something I did wrong.

_Wes, I met you through Nick and Jeff early on in my time at Dalton. You were known to Nick and Jeff as "the crazy who carries around a gavel". For the longest time, that's all I knew about you. But as I grew more serious with the Warblers, David told me that you had been talking to the council about me and my potential to be the soloist. So I decided to talk to you._

_By the way, for those of you who don't know David, he's known as "the best friend of the crazy who carries around a gavel". But he's really cool too._

I cracked a small smile at the descriptions of Wes and David and at the accuracy of them as well. I never heard Nick or Jeff refer to the two as such, but it didn't surprise me in the least that they had.

_Anyway, I was pretty terrified when I decided to talk to you. You were always so serious when I saw you at Warblers practice, always having an "I don't mess around" face on. So when I saw you in the practice room early one day, I thought that then was as good a time as any._

_I wandered in and sat next to you carefully. You looked at me with a puzzled expression on your face. I was super nervous, not used to talking to people I didn't know and frankly horrible at it, but I didn't back down._

"_H-Hi," I stuttered, wanting to smack myself because of how stupid I must have sounded. But you didn't acknowledge it._

"_Hey Blaine," Wes said, looking up from his book, one I recognized as the same book David was reading for his English class. "What's up?"_

"_Not much," I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. "David t-told me that you thought I had solo potential?"_

"_Yeah," he said, "you have a lot of control over your voice and a huge range. I've already mentioned my observations to the council."_

_I couldn't hold back the grin that was trying to force its way onto my face. Someone actually thought I was talented? Talented enough to go out of their way to tell people to whom it mattered to? It was hard to wrap my head around._

My heart broke hearing Blaine talk about how he didn't feel he was talented, or that no one cared about him. I had tried to tell him as much as I could how great he was when he was alive, knowing that he'd had a rough life, but I couldn't single-handedly undo all the damage that had been done before I met him.

"_Th-Thank you so much," I managed to say, turning to look Wes in the eyes. "That means a lot."_

"_No problem. I speak nothing but the truth when it comes to the Warblers." He smiled in return, placing a ripped sheet of paper in the book he was reading to hold his place. "I was honestly super excited when I found out that Nick and Jeff had gotten you to audition. I know what I'm going to say sounds creepy, but they'd come to me and said that they'd heard you singing in the shower and that you were amazing."_

"_As much as that should creep me out, I'm getting more and more used to their insanity," I admitted as I began to laugh._

"_Well I'm glad David told you that. I know this is a little late, but your rendition of that Katy Perry song you did for your audition was amazing as well," Wes commented nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just made my day, "very different and creative. That's what we look for in a Warbler; someone who's not afraid to think and act outside of the norm."_

_I could feel tears wanting to fall as the compliments sunk in, but I held them back. "Th-Thank you so much," I said for the second time during the exchange. "You have no idea how much that means to me."_

_Wes simply smiled and turned back to his book, opening it again and picking up where he'd left off. I pulled out my phone and began absentmindedly scrolling through contacts and old messages to look busy until the rest of the Warblers arrived._

_That was our first exchange and I still treasure the things you said to me, Wes. You had no idea how much what you were saying affected me because everything I had gone through was still raw._

_I ended up using that encounter as a green light to talk to you more, little by little._

_I don't remember each individual encounter, but I remember the sequence our friendship took. I began talking to you about common ground: the Warblers, classes, Nick and Jeff's craziness. I learned that, even though you came across as really professional, you and David were two of the most insane people I'd ever met, sometimes even more insane than Nick and Jeff._

_You started giving me tips for preparing my audition song for the lead soloist position. Looking back on it, I should have spent more time with you preparing instead of Nick, considering how the outcome of preparing with Nick turned out, but not everything can go as planned all the time._

As I passed store after store that were shutting off their lights for the night, I found a strange sense of peace washing over me. Hearing Blaine's soothing voice talk about more upbeat things brought my mind back to when we were dating, when we would call each other each night and we'd tell each other three things that happened to us that day. They could have been positive or negative and the other would comfort or praise the one who was talking accordingly. I would look forward to it every day and in the days and weeks following his death, it was the thing I'd missed the most among the heartbreak and pain.

_When I got the soloist spot a month or so after that first encounter, Wes was the first to congratulate me. He came up to me, smiled, patted me on the back and whispered "I had nothing to do with it" in my ear. He was also the first I called that night after I'd noticed Nick and Jeff's apparent grudge towards me._

"_Wes?" I said once he'd answered. We had exchanged phone numbers a couple of weeks back and had been texting or talking constantly._

"_What's up Blaine?" he asked and I could tell he'd picked up on the concerned tone in my voice. "Is everything all right?"_

"_Yeah, I just—" I stopped, trying to figure out exactly how to put my thoughts into words. "I need some advice."_

"_Lay it on me," he said and I could hear the smile in his voice._

"_Nick and Jeff helped me a lot to prepare for the soloist audition, as you know, but today they seemed really angry at me for getting it. I know Nick auditioned too, but I can't figure out why they'd be mad at me if they're the ones who practically told me to audition in the first place. I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to bring it up to them? Or maybe just how to deal with them being mad at me?"_

_The line was quiet for about a minute and I sat patiently, waiting to hear Wes' voice. When he finally started speaking, he sounded very calm and collected._

"_That really sucks, man. All I know is that Nick has auditioned for numerous solos in the past, and by the past I mean last year, but if he helped you prepare, I can't see why he'd resent you."_

"_That's my problem."_

"_Although, I can say that he may not have thought the whole thing through when he and Jeff decided to help you. No offense, but they may not have thought you'd get it, or they may have thought that Nick would… I'm just not sure. If you want to bring it up to really find out what's going on, treat the topic delicately and don't be accusative. The last thing you want it to come across as confrontational and cause tension. Especially because you and Nick stand next to each other in formation," Wes joked and I laughed, instantly feeling much better._

"_Thanks so much Wes. I appreciate it."_

"_No problem. If you're still feelin' down, David and I are gonna try to see how high we can jump by raising the basketball hoop in the gym and trying to dunk on it. If you want to come."_

"_I'll meet you guys down there," I answered with a smile. We hung up and I made it down there in ten minutes, after putting on my outfit of all black that I'd been told I needed to wear whenever I did stupid things with Wes and David._

I thought back to my all-black outfit that I'd been forced to put together on the numerous occasions when I'd done my own share of stupid stunts with Blaine, Wes and David. I'd gotten teased on so many occasions because even my stunt gear was made up of designer jeans.

_I ended up reaching six feet, nine inches. Not too shabby for someone who's only five foot eight._

_Anyway, as you all remember from Nick's tape, I didn't take Wes' advice to delicately bring up my dilemma to my friends. Wes was actually the first person I talked to when I left their room after the fight._

_After crying for a good ten minutes in my dorm, I wiped the tears away the best I could and trudged to Wes and David's dorm down the hall. David answered the door, saw my face and immediately called for Wes, who appeared a few moments later._

_They brought me into the room, sat me on Wes' bed and waited for me to tell the story of why I was crying at their door. After I had finished, Wes put an arm around me and lifted my chin so I was looking him in the eyes._

"_You don't need them Blaine. If they want to throw away a friendship with one of the most amazing people I know, then that's their problem, not yours. David and I will always be here for you and so will the other Warblers. I know Thad will always be there for you too, you guys have gotten so close already." Wes smiled slightly. "So don't get down because of them. You don't need them."_

_I turned to David, who nodded his agreement, and I pulled them both into a hug, causing David to yell "Group hug!" at the top of his lungs. Wes and I began to laugh and I spent the rest of the evening talking and laughing with them._

I made a mental note to call up Wes when I finished listening to the tapes and thank him for being there for Blaine when I couldn't. After all the negative stories I'd been hearing on these tapes, it was nice to hear that someone was there for Blaine when he was going through one of the hardest times of his life.

I came across a bench and sat down on it, setting my bag down next to me. I leaned against its back, closed my eyes and I tipped by head back so I was resting my head on top of the cold metal.

_I'm going to fast forward to the first day of my junior year. Wes and I had continued to grow closer and closer, him and David becoming my two best friends and my other halves throughout the summer when the last place I wanted to be was at my house._

_And, before anyone can start yelling at their cassette players, I know the whole other halves thing doesn't really make sense. But you get the idea._

_Anyway, it wasn't just the first day of junior year. It was my first day at William McKinley High School, the first time I'd been to a public school since freshman year and although that doesn't sound like a long time, it was terrifying considering what had happened the last time I'd gone to public school._

_I was about to text Wes to wish him and David good luck at their first day at Ohio State University, when I got a text from David._

_It said:_

_**Hi Blainey. It's David. Wow that was stupid, you know it's me. Anyway, Wes' phone is swimming at the bottom of the pond outside of our dorm room window because, well, I'd rather tell you that over the phone. It'll take less time. So he won't be able to text you for a while. We just wanted to wish you a great first day at McKinley; we know you'll do amazing at public school. We're rooting for you and have already cleared our insanely busy schedules to talk to you on Skype tonight. So yeah. Wow this is long. I'm gonna stop now. Wes says to tell you he loves you and I love you as well! –D&W**_

_It's safe to say that was one of the two things that got me through that day._

_The other one was… well we'll talk about later._

I had been holding my breath since he said _McKinley _and I finally let it go after he said that last sentence. I don't know why, considering I always tensed up every time Blaine said anything vague that was referring to me, but I couldn't find it in me to do that this time. It sounded like he was going to say at least one upbeat thing about me on my tape, which made me feel slightly better.

_The three of us talked for over three and a half hours that night and I told the two every detail of my day. The crazy thing? They actually listened. And cared. And what do friends do for each other? Return the favor. So I listened to the two talk about every little thing that happened to them at OSU and it was great. It was great to have two people in this world that didn't mind listening to me when I needed someone to talk to and I had no problems returning the favor._

_We made this a weekly thing. I'd text the two, or just David until Wes got a new phone, every day and we'd have a marathon Skype chat each Friday, making sure to reschedule to a different day if anyone had an issue holding true to the day. And it was always the highlight of my week, one of the two constants in my life._

_Again, I'll talk about the other one later._

Me, once again. I was kind of offended that Wes and David were the highlight of Blaine's week, but I understood all the same. I had jumped into his life in the middle, when his world was already broken beyond repair. I was happy that he'd had something like this to help him, though. I'd actually been a part of some of the chats myself, considering he'd told me about this tradition and had invited me on multiple occasions to join them. It was always an adventure, to say the least, but certainly never boring.

_They were always there whenever I had problems with Finn and the others that I'll talk more about later. They gave me advice, most of which I unfortunately never used, but it was always great in theory. I didn't tell them everything though._

_I never told them about my cutting. I never told them about other things that I'll be getting into more detail about later. Those things were for my eyes and my eyes only. I didn't want anyone having to worry about me, especially Wes and David. I cared too much about them to let my problems become a burden to them._

_Now, let me just clear something up before we continue. I know they would have cared. Heck, they probably would have come to my house, forced me to get help and when I was better, slapped me for not telling them sooner than I had. In the nicest possible way, of course. That wasn't the problem. Like I said, I liked to stay out of people's attention; out of the spotlight. I thought I could deal with this whole thing myself without any help, but it began to become more and more obvious to myself that I couldn't. And I didn't want them having to worry about me anymore than they already did._

_But onto happier times. I spent Christmas that year with Wes and David at Wes' house with his family that had become more of a family to me than my own. The highlight of that week and my personal favorite part was when you two showed me how to have an ultimate snowball fight._

_Curious as to what that means? Well, we all got those huge Nerf guns, sling shots and metal baseball bats and were able to use them however we needed to to hit the other two with snowballs. The one rule was we weren't allowed to use the bats in any way but to hit a snowball from behind our "protective wall", which was a fair rule. It was easily one of the most fun and insane thing I've done. I highly suggest it._

I remembered Blaine telling me that he was going to spend most of that Christmas with family. After hearing the tape, that seemed to have been the way it was between the three boys, especially Wes and Blaine. They seemed to have truly been family. I couldn't deny that I was mad at the time that we had to exchange gifts late and have a belated and shortened Christmas, but I couldn't be mad anymore considering it was Wes and David he'd been with.

_Now, we're almost done here. But there are a couple more things I need to touch on to really prove my point here. The next one? My seventeenth birthday._

_I never really considered my birthday to be such a big deal. My parents, once I got to be eleven and twelve, kind of stopped caring about my birthday and so did I. I typically got some cards from relatives I hadn't seen since Cooper had lived home and I sometimes got an acknowledgement from my mother that it was in fact my birthday, but other than that, nothing. I'd grown used to it and even though it'd bothered me when I was younger, the older I got, the less it bothered me. I mean, I had classmates of mine that were practically strangers to me wishing me happy birthday on Facebook. What else could a teenager ask for?_

_Anyway, when the fifth of February rolled around this year, I didn't expect anything out of the ordinary. But boy, that's not what I got._

_The morning started with this text from Wes and David. It said:_

_**Blainers! It's David. Man, I have to stop acting like you don't know who it is when I send you big and important texts. Anyway, Wes' phone is once again broken. This time, it was dropped off of the top of our dorm building when Wes and I decided to see if we could hit people in the head with chewed gum just by spitting it out of our mouths. We got into quite a bit of trouble when one of our successes was our dorm advisor, but it was SO worth it.**_

_**Back to the real reason behind this text. IT'S LITTLE BLAINEY'S 17**__**TH**__** BIRTHDAY! You're only one year away from being legal! Be ready at your aunt's house at nine o'clock tonight (since we know you have plans tonight… We're wiggling our eyebrows right now) for the time of your life. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! –D&W**_

_It's certainly a good thing I had unlimited texting between those two._

I could feel myself blush when he read the part about how they'd known he had plans that night. I remembered the night perfectly, remembered having tried as hard as I could to make it as special as possible considering he hadn't had a real birthday celebration in almost ten years. I'd made him a home cooked meal, after requesting everyone leave for the evening, and then let him choose what to do. It was one of my greatest memories with him.

It hadn't dampened the night at all that he'd had to leave at nine, I'd expected him to have plans with Wes and David and I'd called them the next day to thank them for bringing him out for a boys night.

_When they picked me up at precisely nine o'clock, I'd changed into a pair of jeans, sneakers and a Buckeyes sweatshirt. They both had on all-black outfits._

"_Did I miss the all-black memo?" I questioned as they pulled out of my aunt's neighborhood._

"_Don't worry about it," David spoke up. "Wes just feels important when he wear this ensemble. He says it makes him feel like a ninja."_

"_This is true," he said, grinning._

_So, this is actually all I can tell about what we did that night. I'm sorry to anyone who may have gotten their hopes up for an exciting story. I was actually sworn to secrecy by numerous individuals, not just Wes and David, and told that I was never allowed to speak of that night because we'd all be in a lot of trouble if I did. So let's just say we had a blast and it was easily the most insane time of my life. That day was the best birthday I ever had. And also the last. But who would have known that then?_

_There's just one last thing I'd like to talk about. The last memory I'd like to touch on is junior prom. It was my first prom and the first dance I'd gone to since Sadie Hawkins. And I had a date. So I was beyond terrified._

I remembered how hesitant Blaine was to go to a dance at a public school with another guy. It had taken everything in me to reassure him that I would do everything in my power to keep him safe. I'd even forgone wearing the kilt I'd wanted to wear to prevent having too much attention drawn to us. I'd been upset for a while, but Blaine meant everything to me and keeping him safe was more important to me than an outfit.

_The actual night ended up being more perfect than I ever could have imagined and after prom wasn't too shabby either. But the part that involved Wes took place before I headed to my date's house to get ready._

_I was just finishing throwing my hair care products in a travel bag when the doorbell at my aunt's house rang. Curious, I made my way down the stairs and opened the door to find Wes standing in the doorway._

"_Hey…" I greeted him hesitantly, moving out of the way to let him in._

"_Hey!" he exclaimed, pulling me in for a hug._

"_If you wrinkle this, I will not hesitate to kill you," I mumbled, my voice muffled due to my face being pressed against his t-shirt clad shoulder._

"_Violent," Wes muttered, pulling away and holding me at arm's length. "Looking spiffy! We do have some serious work to do before you head out though."_

"_What are you talking abo—" I began to ask before Wes had a grip on my bare forearm and was pulling me back up the stairs and into my bedroom._

"_Mind telling me what's going on?" I asked once he'd closed my door. "I have to be out of here in twenty minutes."_

"_I'm giving you a crash course on how to treat your date right at an important dance," Wes said triumphantly._

"_I don't think I need any help," I told him, but he'd have none of it._

"_Nonsense. This is the first time you've been to a dance or important yet cliché evening with a guy you're head-over-heals in love with. Being a man with a lot of experience in the "wooing the ladies" category, my expertise is my gift to you. And before you start freaking out on me, I know he's obviously not a girl. But that doesn't mean that the same rules don't apply."_

_I wanted to protest something he'd just said, but I couldn't. I just sighed and nodded, indicating for him to say whatever he needed to say._

"_Well first, we need to talk about this bag of every hair product known to man…" he started and that's how the next twenty minutes went. I learned everything there was to know about prom from Wes. This included how to do my hair, the best poses for pictures, how to properly slow dance and how to dance to upbeat songs gracefully, what foods to snack on and which ones to pass on, how to execute the perfect after prom evening and everything in between. And yes, he did actually teach me how to dance. I can say I slow danced around my bedroom with Wes Montgomery. I don't know if that's something to be proud of or not._

_I used every bit of advice he gave me for the night and, like I said earlier: best night of my life. And I have none other than Wes to thank for it._

I burst out laughed at the hair product comment, the fact that Blaine had come to my house with barely any hair products that evening suddenly making sense. I smiled as I thought back to that night, not able to think of anything negative that had put a damper on it, aside from the few nasty looks we got throughout the night from some of the jocks.

_Wes, you were my saving grace. My knight in shining armor. My angel sent from heaven above. All that cliché stuff we used to joke about. Although I imagine angels probably have more common sense than you, but no matter. You saved me when I needed someone the most and you were always there for me. I can never thank you enough for all you've done for me._

_I hope you can forgive me for what I'm going to do. If you knew the whole truth, you'd understand. I just… I can't handle this anymore. I can't handle the fact that only three people, you and David being two of them, care about me. That may sound selfish or unappreciative, but I can't deny it._

_You could never fully understand me. I didn't meet you in time and by the time I did, too much damage was done. No one, not even you, could undo what others had done to me and you couldn't protect me from what would come either. And that's not your fault. So please, for me, don't feel like it is._

_I love you like a brother Wes. I really do. I hope you achieve everything you've ever wanted in life and more because no one deserves it like you. That I know for sure._

**[]**

The tape stopped and I lifted my head up, rubbing the back of my neck and running a hand through my disheveled hair. I couldn't deny that I felt better than I had earlier after hearing this tape and how much Wes had helped him. I also couldn't deny that I was curious as to why, if Wes and David had always been there for Blaine, he still felt that the only answer was to end his life.

I reached into my bag to exchange the cassette for the next one, scared of what I was going to hear. I couldn't pinpoint if I was scared because it might, once again, be my tape or if it was because I couldn't bear to go back to hearing more terrible things Blaine had had to deal with.

Letting out a deep breath I hadn't know I'd been holding, I pressed down slowly on the play button and awaited Blaine's soothing voice.


	9. Cassette Five, Side A

**#**

_Now that the happy story is out of the way, we can move on to why I actually started doing this. Sound good?_

No. It didn't. I just wanted to hear more happy stories so I could resist the urge to start sobbing.

_I'm sure you'll all be just fine. This one's fairly short, considering I'm pretty sure you're pretty sick of hearing the same type of story over and over again. I'll just cut to the chase. Pun intended._

_This next person is someone that I thought was one of my best friends. But when they found out something about me that they didn't want to know, they deserted me. And I just couldn't handle it, not at the time._

_Michael Chang. Do you remember this? Do you know what I'm about to tell the people? Because I sure do._

_For those of you who may not know, Mike and I met soon after I transferred to McKinley. He was, for a while, the only one who would acknowledge my existence in the locker room when all the football players came in from practice and I was practicing my boxing. As time progressed, we started talking more and more and we realized we had a lot in common. So we started to hang out._

I knew Blaine and Mike had had a friendship unlike the one Blaine and I had had. Mike could talk to him about football, basketball, and all those sports I had to pretend to enjoy with my dad and had refused to pretend to like with someone else. He was also the person Blaine boxed with when he couldn't get together with any of his Dalton friends.

_Mike was the friend I could watch sports with. We would try to sit down and watch a game or two together every other weekend and we would text through them if we weren't together. He was someone who helped fill a little bit of the void left by the absence of my Dalton friends._

_But then you left me. How you all may ask? Well, let me tell you._

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I practically jumped a foot in the air. I quickly reached to pause the cassette so I wouldn't miss anything.

**l l**

"Kurt?"

I turned around at the sound of my name to find the voice and hand belonging to none other than Finn. I immediately thought back to the tape and I couldn't control myself.

"_How could you_?" I practically growled. "How could you _do_ such a thing to someone who never did _anything_ to you?"

A look of confusion crossed his face for a second before it turned as white as a ghost. "You have the tapes, don't you?"

I didn't say a word and that conveyed my answer. Finn took a step backwards, out of terror I assumed, and rightfully so. I was a few wrong moves away from killing him.

"Dude, I never meant any of that stuff…" He began to say, but I cut him off.

"Well _Dude_, I don't care if you _meant_ it or not," I said, "you terrorized him and hurt him so much. How could you threaten to tell his secret like that?"

"You don't understand what it's like," Finn said, the volume of his voice growing higher and higher with each word. "He had _everything_. He had the looks, the rich family, the mother _and_ father, the talent, the brains; he had _everything_! And that was just at his old school! Then he comes in and tries to take away the solos from us? I don't have the opportunities you have Kurt! I don't have the ones Blaine had either! Glee Club was my chance to gain an edge so I could have a chance in this world and he took that away from me too."

"You had _no_ idea what he was going through! I bet he would've wished for your life instead of his own any day. You took it upon yourself to make his life worse than it already was without knowing his side of things." I could feel the tears coming on, both from sadness and anger. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that."

Finn was silent for a moment. "You're siding with him over me?"

I didn't know what to say. The uncomfortable silence stretched on as I tried to look anywhere but at Finn and he stared straight at me.

"I can't believe you're siding your dead boyfriend over your own brother." He shook his head and I broke down at the low blow.

"After that, I-I don't know wh-what to think," I stuttered and I picked up my things, putting the ear buds back in my ears and pressing the play button. I didn't even bother to ask as I was walking away why Finn was out this late anyway, a question that occurred to me a few feet down the sidewalk. I was too shocked at Finn's nerve to say what he had said to me. My whole family had been good about not mentioning the words _death, boyfriend, dead_ or _Blaine_ since the incident and Finn knew how low it was to say two of them in one sentence.

**l l**

_It all started one day when I was boxing in the locker room right after school. As usual, the football team was coming in from practice around the end of my boxing workout. Mike waved hello to me as he walked to the showers and, once I saw all the other players finish their showers, I headed in to clean off._

_I was halfway there when Mike stopped me. He insisted we do a mock-boxing match, so I could practice and he could try to "beat" me._

_For those of you who are confused, Mike and I had been boxing together for a while, whether it was just with the punching bags or in the miniature ring in the locker room. We made our own rules for matches so neither of us got seriously hurt and we'd been doing it for a while. It was fun. Until that day._

_I usually came up with some creative way to cover up my cuts when we boxed. I would wrap my forearm as well or just have some great excuse lined up to explain the marks. I have no idea how I got away with it for so long. I guess it was because when we boxed, we didn't look at each other's bodies? As strange as that sounds._

_So that day, I had already taken off the wrap because Mike had caught me right before I went to shower. I completely forgot about it, psyched by the challenge, and didn't rewrap my arms, just my hands quickly before grabbing my gloves from my locker._

My heart ached for Blaine as he spoke. I wanted to just yell for him to wrap his arms, wear long sleeves, and do _anything_ so Mike wouldn't find out. I could see where this whole tape was going and I continued walking with my hands shoved deep in my pockets as the moon and stars moved around in the sky above me.

_Now I know most of you are probably shaking your head, probably saying how stupid I am for not remembering to wrap my arms, or cover them up, or do something. And I am stupid, you're right. But this must have been a sign from somewhere, a sign__** for**__ something. Like it was meant to be that way; that Mike was supposed to find out that day. I just haven't figure why yet._

_Back to the story. So we got into the ring, Mike did the "announcing" and introducing of the fighters while I laughed like I always did. I made the starting bell noise and I went in for the first jab. My arm must have been in front of Mike's face for long enough for him to see what I had neglected to. He immediately stood still and put his hands by his sides. I was confused, coming to a standstill as well, walking towards him and standing next to him._

"_Hey, you okay?" I asked, putting a gloved hand on his shoulder. "I didn't even hit you yet," I said in a joking voice, but he wasn't having any of it._

"_What's up with your arm?" he asked. At first I was confused; the fact that I'd forgotten to wrap my arms still hadn't hit me yet. As soon as I looked down at them though, I immediately realized what Mike was talking about._

"_Oh, th-that," I stuttered, not knowing where to begin. I couldn't come up with a convincing excuse on the spot, so I stood there in silence, waiting for Mike to say something, but he couldn't even make eye contact with me._

"_Do you…" he trailed off and I knew what he was going to say, but I wanted to hear him say it. I knew I sure wasn't going to. "Do you cut?"_

_I didn't say anything. It sounded so much worse when someone else said it, someone who didn't understand what I was going through. "Umm—"_

"_Why didn't you tell me about this?" Mike demanded suddenly, an edge hinting its way into his voice. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"_

"_Umm," I started again, not knowing how to explain it to anyone. I'd never prepared for a moment like this. "I just… I do it because—"_

"_Do you know how stupid this is? How stupid it is to purposely hurt yourself like this? Do you know how many options there are to deal with whatever it is you're going through that don't involve this?" He paused and an offended look replaced the anger for a few seconds. "Why didn't you just talk to me about whatever's wrong?"_

_By that point, I was pretty mad. A piece of advice: if you want someone to tell you a deep secret they'd been trying to keep from everyone, the last thing you want to do is call what they're doing stupid. No matter what it is._

"_This is exactly why I didn't tell you!" I exclaimed. "You calling me stupid? Not what I particularly wanted to hear! You have no idea what I'm going through, what I've already gone through. You have parents who love you, lots of friends here, you're on the football team, __**and people don't hate you**__."_

"_No, you're right. I don't know what you're going through. Because apparently you don't trust me enough to tell me!" Mike exclaimed and I felt a pang in my chest._

"_It's not that I don't trust you Mike," I said, trying to calm myself down, but I couldn't figure out whether I was more angry or upset. "This just isn't something that I can just tell you out of the blue. I wanted to tell you, I did, because I knew you wouldn't get mad at me, it's just… I don't want help."_

"_How can you say you don't want help Blaine? You're cutting yourself for some reason and you don't want help?"_

"_I can handle it by myself, that's why!" I shouted and Mike took a step backwards. I could immediately see the hurt in his eyes as he began taking off his gloves._

"_Well then I guess you don't need me," he said as he walked away towards his locker so he could change into his street clothes._

It took every ounce of my self-control not to track down Mike and figure out what was going on in his head when he did this. And maybe punch some sense into him. I couldn't fathom why he didn't at least try to help, do _something_, instead of yelling at him like that. I wished that I had been the one there instead of Mike; maybe if it had been me, Blaine would have still been here right now.

_Now, some of you, basically two or three of you, may be plotting revenge on Mike for doing that to me. But I get why he did it. I was a burden that he didn't feel like dealing with. Understandable. I don't even want to deal with myself most of the time, what would make me think that someone else who didn't even have to would?_

_I probably tried to call Mike at least twenty times that night. Texts, emails, voicemails; not one answer. Not even an "I hate you, stop calling me" text. I never heard a word from him. So I didn't expect the next day to go well at school. And I was right!_

Tired of walking, I made my way to an empty field and found a space that wasn't on a hill. I ran my hand over the grass and laid down, putting my bag at my side and my arms behind my head, staring at the starry sky above me.

_I saw Mike first thing in that morning the next day; he was at his girlfriend Tina's locker which was appropriately close to mine considering our last names were Anderson and Cohen-Chang. I tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn't look anywhere near me. This happened again in math class and Glee Club at the end of the day. Not once did he look in my general direction._

_I called him what had to have been at least twenty more times that night and on the twentieth time, he answered, much to my surprise._

"_What," he mumbled when he answered._

"_Mike," I breathed. "You actually answered."_

"_What do you want Blaine?" he asked, sounding exasperated._

"_I just want to say how sorry I am that you found out about my… problem the way you did," I said in one breath, afraid that if I didn't talk fast enough, he'd hang up. "I just, no one knows about it and it's not something you can just say in casual conversation. And it's not like I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you; I didn't tell anyone because I was scared of what… of what everyone would say and think of me."_

"_Blaine… I just," he started to say, his voice slightly less aggressive and angry. "I just don't know if I can do this anymore."_

_I was struck silent. I had no clue what to say._

"_It's just… If you can't trust me and you'd keep something like that from me, what tone does that set for our friendship? And you said you didn't want to get help; I just can't stand to be friends with someone who doesn't do what's best for their health."_

"_Mike," I started, feeling the tears begin to work their way into my voice. "It's not that I don't __**want **__to stop… It's just that I don't know __**how**__ to. Ever since I transferred to McKinley, it's been horrible and this is the only pain I can… I can control. It helps me so much, you don't understand."_

"_What I don't understand is why you won't let someone you claim to be your best friend help you get better." With that, the line clicked and I sat there, as still as a statue, with my phone pressed to my ear. A few minutes later, I looked at my phone screen and saw my screensaver looking back at me. He'd hung up on me._

_I didn't try to call him back. I didn't try to talk to him the next day in school. I didn't try to say hello to him in the locker room that afternoon. I didn't try to get him to box with me. I didn't try to set up plans to watch the Ohio State game with him that weekend. That conversation was the last one I had with him because he had no interest in being friends with me. And I didn't want to come across as any more needy and obnoxious than I already had._

_You weren't needy or obnoxious_, I thought as I squeezed my eyes shut in a hopeless attempt to prevent myself from crying. _You were anything but. And I loved you so, so much. _I couldn't figure out why he hadn't called me, why I never asked more about him and Mike, why all of this had to happen to _him_ and not someone else who deserved all this crap more than he did.

_Now, if you all recall, I mentioned in the… fourth tape? I'm pretty sure it was the fourth. Anyway, on Finn's tape, I mentioned how he approached me and threatened to tell everyone about my cutting. That obviously never happened, but you may be wondering why Mike finding out had so much more of an effect on me than Finn claiming he knew. Well, let me explain._

_Finn never liked me. We were never friends. He had no solid proof that I was cutting, so he could have claimed whatever his heart desired and I would have denied every bit of it._

_Mike was my friend. We were very close and he was the first guy to accept me at McKinley and not judge me based solely on what they thought was me, but actually wasn't. He had proof of what I was doing to myself. He left me as soon as he learned something about me that would have required a little work to get past. Yes, you can say I was stubborn for not wanting to get help right when he suggested it, but unless you cut, you don't understand. It wasn't that easy for me to just go get help. That would have meant giving up control of the only thing in my life that I actually had control of. I wasn't ready for that; I didn't __**want **__that. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but not enough to want to do something about it._

_So that's that. My first real friend I met at McKinley left me because of the problems I was going through. Mike, I hope you're happy with your decision. I hope you __**really**__ meant what you did, because you probably didn't expect this to happen as a result of it, did you? You probably thought I'd just move on, find a new best friend, and forget we were ever friends. But I didn't. It hurt Mike. It was like Nick and Jeff all over again: hating me and deserting me over something I couldn't control._

_It hurt._

**[ ]**

The tape clicked and silence filled the headphones. I made no move to flip the tape or open the slot. I just laid there and let the steady stream of tears slip down my cheeks.


	10. Cassette Five, Side B

**Slight trigger warning for mild homophobic language.**

* * *

After a while, I was convinced I was out of tears to cry. I hastily wiped away the last of my tears and, my whole body numb, flipped over the tape.

**#**

_This next story is a pretty interesting one. It involves someone most of you wouldn't expect and someone I had a tumultuous relationship with, to put it eloquently. But we did have our good times, which is why she's made it onto one of these tapes._

_Santana Lopez. Come on down._

Blaine let out a soft laugh and I felt my heart break. His laugh always made me feel better, no matter the situation, but now it did the exact opposite. I would have given anything to hear it again in real life.

_I bet a lot of you don't know this, but Santana and I had a pretty solid friendship for a while. Something else some of you may not know about me? I was a Cheerio, or for those of you who don't know a cheerleader, for about two months at McKinley._

_Any of you who want to make some homophobic joke about that can pause the tape and say them now before continuing._

There was silence for a few seconds before Blaine's voice returned.

_Done? Okay good._

_Anyway, I hadn't been going to McKinley for more than a week and a half before Santana cornered me in the hallway on my way to class._

"_Hey there Hobbit," she greeted me in an oddly sweet smile. Confusion was my initial reaction._

"_H-Hey there Santana," I responded, a confused look on my face. "What's going on?"_

"_Just wondering how you've been adjusting to public school. It can't be anything like your fancy private school with your uniforms and all that."_

"_No, it's different, but everything's been good," I told her hesitantly. By this point, I was past simply confused and in another realm of confusion I'd never been in before. "Not to be rude, but is there anything else you wanted to say? I'm still getting the hang of navigating this place and I have to stop at my locker before my next class."_

"_To-the-point. I like it." Santana grinned and nodded approvingly. "Coach Sylvester sent me to find you. She heard about your transfer and thought that, since we missed our chances with the other gay around here, we could snatch you up for the Cheerios. Our squad needs another guy for the bottom of the pyramid."_

_At the time, I hadn't known whether to feel insulted or complimented. Looking back on it, it was one of the biggest compliments I could have received from Coach Sylvester. I didn't know what to say and Santana picked up on my hesitation._

"_Practice is tomorrow right after school. I would suggest coming." With that, she spun around on the heels of her perfectly white sneakers and confidently strutted away, books held close to her chest._

_The next day after school, I told my friend that I wasn't going to glee rehearsal and headed to the gym instead._

The harder I thought about it, the more I was able to recall the conversation I, his _friend_, had had with him that day. He hadn't told me where he was going, or what he was going to do; just that he had to go.

_I found Coach Sylvester first, standing with her arms crossed over her chest as her Cheerios chatted amiably while setting up multiple large mats._

"_Young Burt Reynolds," she greeted and I looked at her, momentarily confused, before a slight smile pulled at the edges of my lips at the nickname. "So glad you could make it."_

"_Hi Coach Sylvester," I said politely. "Santana said you wanted me to come to Cheerios' practice?"_

"_That would be correct. As you know, I'm planning on bringing my Cheerios to yet another Nationals competition this year and I will be leaving with a championship trophy. Now, while I have full confidence in myself to take any group of losers and make them successful, I did notice we could benefit from recruiting another male, specifically one that wouldn't try to peak up the skirts of my girls as they formed a pyramid." She turned pokes a finger into my chest. "That's where you come in. I already lost my chance with Porcelain and frankly, he doesn't have the upper body strength to support a pyramid. You're the other gay out of the closet around here and I figured, why not give it a try?" Coach reached into an athletic bag and pulled out a uniform. "Put this on and be back out here in two minutes."_

_I caught the clothes as she threw them at me and looked down at them in confusion. I contemplated the idea of being a Cheerio, how it would conflict with glee club and my boxing after school, and decided to give it a shot as I made my way to the boy's locker room. Santana, Quinn and Brittany still were able to come to rehearsal and there was always time after practice to box, so I saw no reason why I shouldn't at least try it._

_That first practice proved that cheerleading with Sue Sylvester as your coach is one of the most physically exhausting things one could ever do. I gained a lot of respect for anyone who had ever been a cheerleader after that, or at least a cheerleader who had Coach Sylvester as their coach, and I realized I wasn't going to need to box to stay in shape after all._

_As I was leaving that evening carrying a new athletic bag with my uniform in it, I heard Santana call my name._

"_Anderson!" she called as I approached my car. I turned and met her halfway. She had a satisfied smirk on her face._

"_You showed up," she said. "Not like I thought you wouldn't. It wouldn't have been a smart idea to disobey Coach like that."_

"_Yeah, I didn't see the point in not at least trying it out."_

_She was quiet for a moment before pulling a pen out from behind her ear and grabbing my hand. "Feel free to text me anytime, all right? You're pretty cool." She let go of my hand and walked away with that same confident strut I'd come to notice she always walked with. I looked down at my hand, confusion flooding my brain for the second time in the last few hours, before I shrugged and headed home._

**I I**

My phone suddenly began to vibrate and I paused the tapes, pulling it out of my pocket and furrowing my eyebrows as I read the caller ID. I answered it with a hesitant, "Hello?"

"Hey Kurt," Sebastian's voice was soft and had a caring tone to it, one you didn't hear in his voice very often.

"W-Why are you calling me at—" I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at the time, "1:30 in the morning?"

"I knew you'd be awake. Plus, I figured you were still out listening to those tapes."

"Well…" I trailed off, suddenly too tired to argue with him. "Yeah."

"Are you doing okay?" he asked. "I know… I know I didn't handle all of it very well myself and I didn't even have much of a reason to feel that way, unlike you."

I considered just lying to him, considering he really didn't have a right to know about what Blaine and I had shared, but I couldn't find it in me to actually do it. The fact that he was reaching out like this, seeming to genuinely _care_ about how I holding up, was enough for me to tell him the truth. "I'm horrible. This all sucks and I've cried more in the past few hours than I have in the past few _years_. I just… I can't handle hearing all of this at once, yet I _can't stop listening to them_. I just… I _need_ to know what he said about me Sebastian. _I need to know._"

"I want to say I understand what you're going through, but I know the relationship you two had is beyond my level of comprehension. I did really care about him though, Kurt. These really hurt me, more than you'll know. So, I guess what I'm saying is… if you ever need anything, or you just want to talk to someone, I'm here. I'll always be here."

I was shocked beyond the ability to speak. I couldn't believe that the Sebastian I thought I knew, the one who cared about no one but himself, would say something like that.

"Kurt? You still there?" Sebastian asked after a couple minutes of silence on my end.

"Y-Yeah," I stuttered. "Th-Thank you Sebastian. That means more than you'll ever know."

"You're welcome." I heard him breathe a sigh of relief. "Um, if I can ask, wh-whose tape are you on?"

"Santana's."

"You're close then…" he mused and trailed off.

"Close to what?" I asked, my interest piqued. "My tape? Your tape?"

"You'll find out soon enough," he said. "Goodnight Kurt. Stay safe and be careful."

"Whose tape Sebastian?" I demanded, but the other end clicked and I looked at my screen to find that he'd hung up. I suddenly had a sick feeling in my stomach and I swallowed, resisting the urge to throw up.

**I I**

_I started going to Cheerios practice every day except for the days Santana, Quinn, Brittany and I went to glee rehearsal instead. I quickly learned that the three of them had only joined glee club to help Coach Sylvester take down the New Directions, but now they actually liked it and I could never tell Coach. I was beginning to take a liking to the girls, especially you, Santana. We had an interesting relationship, like I mentioned earlier, but you were just what I needed at the time to gain some confidence in myself._

_I did end up calling her a week after she gave me her number, after I'd adjusted to my new schedule. We talked for a little while about practice and school; she was her usual sarcastic self, but I was drawn to it. I was drawn to how confident she was and how she didn't take crap from anyone. The conversation ended with her saying we should hang out that weekend. And we did._

_We continued this cycle, calling each other during the week, walking to a couple classes together that we shared, and we grew closer and closer. I really enjoyed having another friend at McKinley, especially one who could be as mean as she could and one who had the kind of power that she had. It served as a safety device for me during some of the hard times with Finn and the guys._

_As expected though, this all went downhill about a month after I joined the squad._

I cringed. How was it that every time something good happened to Blaine, it had to go horribly wrong? I had never been involved in Blaine's friendship with Santana and he had never talked about it much, so I didn't know how their friendship had gone wrong. I did know the aftermath of it though, and I had helped Blaine through many tear-filled and sleepless nights because of it.

_I was helping Santana put away our particular mat after practice. We were talking about something so insignificant, I can't even recall what it was. Once we had gotten the mat put away, we were making our way back to the locker rooms when it started._

"_So are we on for a movie marathon this weekend? It is my turn to pick after all."_

"_Sorry," I apologized, "I have plans with…"_

Blaine trailed off and I sat, waiting for him to continue. The longer the pause, the more confused I became. I began to wonder whether something had happened to the tape that had caused it to stopped playing or get cut off when I heard him clear his throat and sniff.

_Sorry about that. I… I just needed a minute. Okay, where were we? Oh yeah._

"_Sorry," I apologized, "I have plans with… plans with K-Kurt this weekend."_

My breath hitched as I heard my name and I immediately knew. He'd been crying just now, and I had a feeling he hadn't stuttered in the actual conversation. I realized it was the first time Blaine had actually said my name on any of the tapes and it had been intentional. He'd been avoiding using my name. Tears began pouring down my face, tears I'd thought I'd run out of, because Blaine, _my_ Blaine, had _finally_ said my name and it sounded as perfect as it always had.

"_Oh, you can blow off Lady Hummel for one weekend. I'm much more fun anyway. What are you two even going to do? Paint each other's nails and read Vogue?"_

_By the time she finished speaking, I was steaming. Santana was usually so accepting of me, but whenever it came to K-K-Kurt, she always made comments. I was sick of it, frankly, so I decided to actually stand up to her for once._

"_Why do you always insist on making fun of him like that?" I questioned, an angry edge to my voice. "What did he ever do to you?"_

"_Every time I'm around him, I can just feel the gay rubbing off on me. I'm just saying you'll have a lot more fun with me than you will with him."_

"_Well I already made plans with him Santana, so we're going to need to reschedule," is what I should have said. I had seen her the previous day, leaving practice earlier than usual with Brittany, the two of them not just linking their pinkies, but full-blown holding hands. I had been surprised, but I hadn't thought anything of it. But the combination of the anger and inability to come up with a more suitable response, I said the first thing that came to my head, and probably the worst thing I could have said._

"_Looks like his "gay" already rubbed off on you Santana," I spat. "I saw you and Brittany yesterday after practice. You two were holding hands and you kissed her before you two parted ways. I don't know about you, but that sounds like something someone who was gay would do, doesn't it?"_

_In the time I'd spent with Santana, I'd gained some confidence. I'd used all of it to say that last comment and as soon as it was out of my mouth, I instantly regretted it._

_The look on her face was one of terror and anger. "I don't know what you're talking about Anderson," she said with a venomous tone to her voice. "You're little boy toy is a homo freak and there's nothing else to it."_

"_No, _you're_ the homo freak," I said, my anger once again taking over every one of my senses. No one made fun of Kurt like that, not when I had anything to say about it. "At least Kurt is strong enough and confident enough in who he is to be out and proud. What it seems to me is you're too scared to admit that you're gay. You're gay, Santana."_

My emotions were overwhelming me, taking over every part of my being. I was proud of Blaine for standing up to Santana, especially for defending _me _to her_. _I was overwhelmingly guilty for causing the fight that presumably ending their friendship. I was addicted to the sound of Blaine saying my name, craving it more and more every time the sounds passed through his lips. My head started pounding as the feelings got stronger, refusing to die down.

_The look on Santana's face after I finished was enough to bring me back from my rage-induced rant and feel instantly guilty and scared for my life once again. "Santana, I-I'm so s-sorry—"_

"_Don't. You. Dare," she said, her fists clenched by her sides. "I don't have to take this Blaine. You have _no right _to judge me, or the way I live my life. _I_ took you in, _I_ helped you get some friends here… I don't need you. You need me _way_ more than I need you. So if you're going to say things like that, we're done here." She began to walk away and I was about to call after her when she turned around. "Oh, and don't forget: Santana Lopez is never the victim. You _will_ regret this Anderson. I'll make you regret ever coming to McKinley in the first place."_

_As she walked away, fear bubbled in the pit of my stomach. I still don't know to this day what had possessed me to say what I did that night, but it's to this day one of my biggest regrets. Partially because starting that next day, my life became a downwards spiral. All thanks to one Miss Santana Lopez._

_If you all don't mind though, I'm going to skip the details of it all. I'd prefer to not relive it; living it once was enough. Basically, my school life became full of outrageous and untrue rumors, even more slushies than when I first transferred, and a number of other things I'd prefer to not mention. Everyone hated me except for one person and I was terrified to come to school every day._

_The worst part? I'd convinced myself I deserved it. And yes, I know what I said was mean and I still to this day feel horrible about it, but what she did to me was way worse than any of the comments I made. It was never an even trade._

I remembered the days Blaine would call me after Cheerios' practice in hysterics because of something else Santana had done to him. I had to go pick him up on multiple occasions because she had slashed his car tires or played with the engine, I had had to help him clean slushie out of his eyes almost every day or bring him home to get a change of clothes when his were soaked through with the sugary liquid. I had tried my best, but for the first few months, there wasn't much I could do to end Santana's rage besides be there to hold Blaine and kiss away his tears whenever he needed me.

_I quit the Cheerios a few weeks after the incident because I couldn't handle practice anymore. The uniforms were constantly being ruined by slushies and I was the one being punished by Coach Sylvester for it. No one seemed too upset when I announced that I was quitting and as soon as I turned in my uniform, I grabbed my bag and ran out the door._

_Santana, I really valued the friendship we had. You were the first person who reached out to me at McKinley and my first new friend there, something that meant a lot to me. I didn't mean any of the things I said and I know why you overreacted the way you did: you knew I was right. I was the first person who had confronted you about Brittany and you were scared, so you did what you do best: turned the terror and intimidation around on me, regaining the control you were so used to having._

_I know that someday, you'll tell more people what I accidentally found out. But here's some advice first: you're beautiful, just the way you are. There's no reason to be afraid to tell people who you really are and if people have a problem with it, then you don't need them anyway. There are people out there who love you for you and you're never going to find out who there are until you're honest with yourself and let who you really are out there for everyone to love. That's the only way you'll ever truly love yourself._

_What you did really hurt me though. Yes, I was wrong and you were scared, I realize that now, but I still can't, to this day, shake how I felt when you caused me nothing but pain for months on end. Even when it died down and you just ignored me all the time, I was constantly petrified of what you might do next. You made me hate myself for so long because I was convinced that I was the only bad guy here, that because I couldn't keep my big mouth shut, I deserved this torture. Well, parts of me still believe this Santana and you know what? I'm done with it. I'm done feeling like everything's my fault. That's why I'm making these tapes; a person can only take so much and I've hit my limit._

I swallowed the lump in my throat as Blaine paused for a moment, clearing his throat before continuing.

_Only three more stories left._

**[ ]**

The tape stopped and I let my limp body fall backwards, my head landing on a particularly hard lump of dirt. I let my eyes drift shut as the pain consumed me and I drifted into a state of unconsciousness where the pain of the real world couldn't touch me.


End file.
